Virtual Shakespeare: The EU forever: Rescue the RNLI: Dead questionnaire: Marko for Mayor: and life of luxury in the nick.

Damp, cloudy and very warm at the Castle this morn, yesterday was “interesting”-everything I touched fell to bits, the first desktop I started to repair decided to explode its power pack, the next in line was a laptop that committed suicide by killing its hard drive, the third one decided to melt its RAM, so I decided to take a time out and pop down the town for a wander.

After searching for a space for ten minutes I paid my 80p to park for an hour and the machine took my money and refused to give me a ticket, and of course there wasn’t a “parking attendant” within a mile so after another ten minutes looking for a space somewhere else paid my 80p and finally got a ticket.

Went into Wilkos where they sell “Dreamies” for his Maj for a squid a pack (instead of £1.59 at Tesco)-they didn’t have any. So I spent quite a while staggering round the “redesigned” store looking for some wood glue for a project at the Castle-they didn’t have any of that either.

Went home-started on computer no4 which was password protected and of course the “user” hadn’t given me said password, so I went into the garden and sat in the sun for the rest of the day.

Too scared to go into the study this morn.......

According to Jesse Anderson

A few million virtual monkeys are close to re-creating the complete works of Shakespeare by randomly mashing keys on virtual typewriters.

A running total of how well they are doing shows that the re-creation is 99.990% complete.

The first single work to be completed was the poem A Lover's Complaint.

Set up by US programmer Jesse Anderson the project co-ordinates the virtual monkeys sitting on Amazon's EC2 cloud computing system via a home PC.

Mr Anderson said he started the project as a way to get to know the Hadoop programming tool better and to put Amazon's web services to the test.

It is also a practical test of the thought experiment that wonders whether an infinite number of monkeys pounding on an infinite number of typewriters would be able to produce Shakespeare's works by accident.

Mr Anderson's virtual monkeys are small computer programs uploaded to Amazon servers. These coded apes regularly pump out random sequences of text.

Each sequence is nine characters long and each is checked to see if that string of characters appears anywhere in the works of Shakespeare. If not, it is discarded. If it does match then progress has been made towards re-creating the works of the Bard.

Virtually finished then; it does sound a bit like Parliament.....

And apparently Voters who expect the Coalition to bring about Britain's departure from the European Union are "living in a world of illusion," an aide to David Cameron has said.

Desmond Swayne, the Prime Minister's parliamentary private secretary, said that Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats are preventing the Tories distancing Britain from the EU project.

Mr Swayne, the MP for the New Forest, made the comment an email to a constituent who asked for the Government to do more to reduce the influence of the EU in Britain’s economy and society.

The MP said that he sympathised with the views of his constituent, David Pitman, but insisted that the Government’s options are limited by the Coalition deal with Lib Dems.

 Which is why I call it the “Piss Poor Policies Coalition”....

Dahn in Cornwall

Beach lifesavers wrote off their £40,000 rescue truck when they tried to drive it through wet sand and were swamped by the incoming tide – at a holiday spot called Booby's Bay.

Crowds watched as the RNLI crew struggled in vain to save the Mitsubishi pick-up as it sank beneath the waves in North Cornwall.

The lifeguards drove the truck across a narrow strip of tidal sand that is only passable when the tide is out – and left it too late to get back. They tried to make it through the shallow water but got stuck as high spring tides swept in.

A second rescue truck and a tractor were summoned but the doomed vehicle was too far into the advancing sea to allow them to attach a tow rope. The rescuers were forced to salvage what equipment they could as the truck submerged.

RNLI lifeguard manager Bobby Renaud said the crew were returning from a safety check between their base at Constantine Bay and the neighbouring beach at Booby’s Bay.

‘Thankfully, no one was hurt. However, there will be a full investigation and any lessons will be incorporated into the 4x4 training the lifeguards receive,’ he said.

You think.........

North of the border

Dozens of dead people in the Lothians have been sent a questionnaire asking them how they rated their stay in hospital. 

The form, designed to find out how well the NHS is faring, was sent to more than 900 dead people across Scotland.

Health chiefs wanted to ask patients how good their treatment was, how long they had to wait in accident and emergency, and if the nurse knew enough about their condition.

The national inpatient experience study also questioned if the toilets were clean, and whether patients were bothered by noise at night.

The Scottish Government confirmed that 903 surveys were sent to dead people, including 75 in the Lothian area. A spokeswoman said a review was in place.

Among the 33 questions it posed to the deceased were whether they felt their doctors listened to them, and what arrangements were made for them to leave the hospital.


In a box by the sound of it........

Over in Bulgaria

Campaigners are putting up a donkey as a candidate for mayor.

Marko - whose standing for office in Varna, Bulgaria - is promising hard work, no kickbacks and a mulish determination.

Society for a New Bulgaria campaign director Angel Dyankov explained: "Unlike the other mayoral candidates and politicians, Marko has a strong character, doesn't steal, doesn't lie, and gets the work done."

Incumbent mayor Kiril Yordanov has refused to share a platform with his rival saying it is "undignified".

But Mr Dyankov commented: "He is right. Just think how Marko would feel sharing a stage with such a political crook.

"It would be very undignified for any self respecting donkey."

 Marko has my vote.....

 And finally: 

Somewhere in Blighty

Prisoners in some modern British jails have been given luxuries such as including computer consoles, flat screen televisions complete with satellite channels and en-suite lavatories.

Inmates themselves have admitted conditions in some jails are like those at holiday camps.

Prisoners also receive free bed and board, wages and cash bonuses for good behaviour, while drugs are cheaper in jails than they are on the streets.

Prison officials have reported watching inmates simply sitting in their cells watching sport on television - sometimes on the Pay-TV channel Sky Sports - or playing games on computers or Play station consoles.

Other prisoners have had access to en-suite cells with flat screen televisions while at the same time being able to check dinner menus and order their meals in advance.

A spokesman for the Prison Service has dismissed claims of "cushy" prisons. 

Maybe they should get the prisoners to type out the complete works of Shakespeare....mind you this was back in 2008, things are probably much better now.

That’s it: I’m orf to find an invisible anti-magnet. 

And today’s thought: if at first/second/third/fourth you don’t succeed go and sit in the garden.

 Angus

Balls won’t budge: Tories break yet another promise: Lost properly: Big flashlight: Patently daft: and there’s an app for fat.

Damp, drizzly, dismal and muggy at the Castle this morn, just got back from the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run at Tesco.

After all the hype about cutting prices I was expecting great things-that’ll teach me, I purchased exactly the same stuff as last week and it cost £2 MORE!

No surprises there then....

Apparently Ed (starey eyes) Balls has been banned by Ed (clone B) Miliband from promising to reverse any of the Coalition Government's spending cuts as part of Labour's attempt to regain credibility on the economy.

In an interview with The Independent, the shadow Chancellor said: "No matter how much we dislike particular Tory spending cuts or tax rises, we can't make promises now to reverse them. I'm clear that I won't do that and neither will any of my Shadow Cabinet colleagues." Mr Balls has ordered Labour frontbenchers to clear any spending commitments, however small, with him and Ed Miliband.

And the difference between the Piss Poor Policies Coalition and Labour is?

And talking of the Piss Poor Policies Coalition

Britain's best farmland will no longer be shielded from development, proposed new planning rules suggest, reversing a pledge made by the Conservatives before the last election.

Instead, the new National Planning Policy Framework (NPPF), which is generating fierce opposition from countryside and heritage groups, suggests that even "the best and most versatile agricultural land" can be built on in certain circumstances.  

Handy for all those super rich “gentlemen farmers” with the odd couple of hundred acres going spare.

Lost anything Jimmy?

False teeth, a stuffed otter, a telescope and a fully-dressed male mannequin have all been handed in to police stations across the country as lost property.

Other "unusual" items dealt with by Scotland's police forces include a towelling bath robe, garden gnomes, snowboards, vacuum cleaners, microwave ovens, an exercise mat and a garden bench, as well as thousands of sets of keys.

The most common items for almost all the force areas included purses and wallets, keys, mobile phones, money and jewellery.

Tayside Police said 1,816 animals had been taken to police stations, making it the seventh most common "item" to be handed into the force. The force also recorded 3,937 sets of keys were dealt with.

Lothian and Borders Police have received 51,354 items since August 2009, and Strathclyde Police recorded 35,849, including nearly 11,000 items of clothing and more than 6,000 purses, wallets or bags.

Grampian Police recorded a total of 40,160 items, while Central Scotland said it had received just 1,790, making it the area with the least amount of lost property handed in to police stations in the last two years.

Property is kept for a maximum of three months - two months to be claimed by the owner before one month is allowed for the finder to lay a claim on the item.

Following that, items are either; destroyed, recycled, donated to charity or sold at auction.

Lost cause?

Over in the land of sun lounger snatchers

It's as long as a VW Golf car, consumes the same amount of energy as a typical 1-litre capacity kettle, and can provide 11 years of uninterrupted illumination.

The world's largest flashlight made its debut at the Lichternacht (Festival of Lights) in Solingen, Germany, Saturday, and made its way straight into the Guinness Book of Records.

Made by Zweibrüder Optoelectronics, the flashlight features 19 high-powered LED lights.

"This flashlight isn't just a high performer, it came about thanks to high performance -- 230 hours of work went into its production," says Sven Objartel, the company's managing director.

Think I’ll stick to the oil lamp......

Left a lot to the Big Apple

Ignacio Marc Asperas of Melville, N.Y., is now the official holder of a patent that is S’now joke. Entitled “Apparatus for Facilitating the Construction of a Snow Man/Woman”, the 25-page patent document is a perfect how-to guide for making snowmen -- it even offers a brief history of snowman, which Asperas called "unknown."

From constructing a spherically shaped body to forming an adhesion surface, he outlined every obstacle faced when on a quest to build the "Ultimate Snowman."

Other patents such as the wheeled flower pot and the crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwich are available....

And you can even colour in the picture....

And finally: 

Japan’s top mobile phone operator NTT DoCoMo is to unveil a Smartphone with changeable "jackets" that measure bad breath, body fat and even radiation levels.

DoCoMo says it has developed technology that allows users to measure their own bodies or surroundings by slipping their smart phones inside sensor-embedded shells.

The company will showcase the technology at the Combined Exhibition of Advanced Technologies, a fair featuring the latest in high-end gadgetry, starting in early October near Tokyo.

As well as radiation, the company said it would also demonstrate a case that determines if the holder has bad breath or smells of alcohol as well as checking levels of skin-damaging ultraviolet light.

A third case, dubbed the "health management" jacket, will measure body fat and muscle bulk.

 Is there an app to stop stupid apps?

That’s it: I’m orf to check out other apps.BBC News - Warning about cost of rogue apps

And today’s thought: Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it’s hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous.

Angus

Hospital helpers: £175,000,000,000,000 in the pot: $600,000,000 dahn the drain: Un-happy feet: and F1 comes to the streets.

Warmish, sunny and calm at the Castle this morn, I see that the UARS satellite has finally “landed”, according to Nasa who says that its six-tonne satellite plunged to Earth over the Pacific Ocean, off the US west coast.

It appears likely the decommissioned craft came down between 03:23 and 05:09 GMT - with a best estimate of 04:16. 

At least I can put the tin hat away now.

And allegedly the heads of the Royal College of Nursing and the Royal College of GPs have called on patients' relatives to help nurses carry out some of their caring duties, such as feeding and taking them to the toilet.

Not both at the same time I hope.

It looks as if German and French officials have come up with a spiffing plan to “save the Eurozone”.

The eurozone deal, being brokered by the G20 group of nations, would seek to "ring fence" the crisis around Greece, Portugal and Ireland - preventing it from spreading to major EU economies such as Italy and Spain.

It would involve the bailing out those European banks - mostly French - most at risk from their massive lending’s to tottering economies.

At this stage, a new bail-out programme would be devised for Greece - with cash coming at least in part from the International Monetary Fund, in which Britain holds a 4.5 per cent stake.

This could mean British taxpayers paying out more than the £1billion they are already slated to have to contribute under the terms of the first Greek bailout fund.

Greece, crucially, would be able to default on at least some of its more than £300billion debts but remain inside the eurozone. The Greek government's private creditors would bear most of the increased costs.

Most of the money in the new rescue package would come from the EFSF - limiting Britain's involvement. The fund is currently valued at £350billion, but would need much more cash pumped into it from its members states.

£1.75 trillion-that’s nearly a tank full for the Honda.

Over the wet thing to the left

The federal government has doled out more than $600 million in benefit payments to dead people over the past five years, a watchdog report says.

Such payments are meant for retired or disabled federal workers, but sometimes the cheques keep going out even after the former employees pass away and the deaths are not reported, according to the report this week from the Office of Personnel Management's inspector general, Patrick McFarland.

In one case, the son of a beneficiary continued receiving payments for 37 years after his father's death in 1971. The payments — totalling more than $515,000 — were only discovered when the son died in 2008.

The government has been aware of the problem since a 2005 inspector general's report revealed defects in the Civil Service Retirement and Disability Fund. Yet the improper payments have continued, despite more than a half dozen attempts to develop a system that can figure out which beneficiaries are still alive and which are dead, the report said.

Piss poor policies is a world-wide phenomenon.

Remember “Happy Feet”?

The emperor penguin which became a global star after coming ashore in New Zealand has been eaten by a killer whale just days into his 2,000-mile trek home, it was feared yesterday.

Happy Feet was released into the Antarctic Ocean on September 4 after he was found wandering Peka Peka beach on the North Island in June.

He was gravely ill after eating sand he mistook for snow.

Experts fear the worst after his tracker device has failed to pick up a signal for three days.

Life really is a bitch, but wouldn’t the tracker be inside the Killer Whale?

And finally: 

An Essex engineer has stunned other motorists after creating a completely road legal F1 car.

Russ Bost's custom-built mean machine is capable of 0 to 60mph in three seconds and can reach 170mph.

But unlike a real Formula One car, his version can be snapped up for a mere £10,000 and does 30 miles to the gallon.

Mr Bost calls the finished vehicle, which can legally be driven on British roads, Furore F1.

He said: "I get so many funny looks when I am out and about in it and I often get people asking me if it is a real Formula One car.

"I have had the occasional boy racer revving at the lights. I let them drive off then I pass them a second or so later anyway. I don't want to encourage bad driving."

The Furore F1 was made entirely from spare parts, with an engine from a 1,400cc Kawasaki motorbike engine.

Meanwhile, the gears and brakes come from an old Toyota MR2 that Mr Bost, from Benfleet, picked up for £300.

As well as building one for himself, he has also built a number of the two-seater cars for enthusiasts from as far afield as the US and Canada.

I want one! But I don’t think I would be able to get out of it......

That’s it: I’m orf to see if this is the way to Armadillo... 

And today’s thought: The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Angus

Fuelling the recession: 100 million tons of rubbish: Indian Autumn: Elfandsafety footy: and a woman in a shed.

A smidge nippy, but sunny and calm at the Castle this morn, the study is empty of adding machines and I have just forked out 130 squids for the car tax.

All I need to do now is save up for some go juice.....

And it seems that “The satellite” keeps changing its mind about coming home.

Allegedly the IMF and the World Bank have come up with a cunning plan to “help reduce carbon dioxide emissions” by proposing global carbon taxes on aviation and ship fuels in developed economies.

The proposal suggests an international charge on aviation and maritime bunker fuels of $US25 per ton of CO2, which it said would "reduce CO2 emissions from each sector by around five to 10 per cent".

Such a charge, if implemented, could also bring in $US250 billion ($256.86 billion) in taxes in 2020, according to the report, which focuses on how funds to fight climate change can be mobilised.

The same report also urged governments to remove subsidies for fossil fuels in the Annex II countries, which it said were worth about $US40 billion to $US60 billion a year in 2005-2010.

 I give up....

Apparently a "plastic soup" of waste floating in the Pacific Ocean is growing at an alarming rate and now covers an area twice the size of the continental United States, scientists have said.

The vast expanse of debris – in effect the world's largest rubbish dump – is held in place by swirling underwater currents. This drifting "soup" stretches from about 500 nautical miles off the Californian coast, across the northern Pacific, past Hawaii and almost as far as Japan.

Charles Moore, an American oceanographer who discovered the "Great Pacific Garbage Patch" or "trash vortex", believes that about 100 million tons of flotsam is circulating in the region. Marcus Eriksen, a research director of the US-based Algalita Marine Research Foundation, which Mr Moore founded, said yesterday: "The original idea that people had was that it was an island of plastic garbage that you could almost walk on. It is not quite like that. It is almost like a plastic soup. It is endless for an area that is maybe twice the size as continental United States."  

Perfect for recycling then.....

According to the Met Office

Britain is in for the warmest start to autumn since 1985 - with temperatures expected to hit 27C.

Forecasters predict hot weather lasting for several days, with temperatures in the mid 20s into October.

The south and east of the country should benefit the most, with temperatures up to 27C, compared with an average maximum of 16.1C for September.

Sky meteorologist Dr Chris England said high pressure over all of Britain should lead to a build-up in temperatures over the course of the week.

The Met Office said next weekend's first days of October is expected to be the hottest since 1985.

That’ll please his Maj.

Up in Tuffley

A furious row kicked off yesterday after a school banned footballs from the playground.

Harewood Junior School in Tuffley, Glos, said leather and plastic balls are too dangerous.

Pupils now have to play with sponge balls in case they get hurt. Mum Kirstie Davis said: “It’s stupid.”

I see that Dave’s plans to do away with Elfandsafety madness is working well then.

 And finally:

Dahn in Havant

Hard up NHS care worker Victoria Campbell is living in a hut in her parents’ back garden to save money.

But the 20-year-old has been astonished to find her temporary home has been banned by the council. Victoria has lived in the one-bedroom shed with boyfriend Bill Warden for a year while they are saving up for a house deposit.

The couple is going to appeal against the council’s ruling.

The double-glazed shed in Havant, Hants, was built by Victoria’s mum and dad, Jenny and Colin, for £14,000. It has no running water but is heated by an oil radiator and draws electricity from her parents’ £170,000 three-bedroom terraced house.

Planning officers at Havant council recommended that the couple should be given temporary permission to stay in the shed but councillors disagreed, saying it “did not provide adequate living conditions”.

The couple has nine months to get a new place or they will be fined.

Maybe her parents should have given her the £14,000 towards the deposit instead...

That’s it: I’m orf to X-ray all the Castle pictures-just in case.

 And today’s thought: Keep looking up.

 Angus

Short selling: Bunsen buggers orf: Tesco cuts: Blue Peter is no longer annual: False claim: and Bags of fun bags.

Cold, sunny and calm at the Castle this morn, the study is brimming over with dodgy, defunct computers and according to “them” the world economy is about to disappear up its own rear exit while the Politicians sit about on their bums claiming expenses as Blighty slowly sinks beneath the waves.

I have come to the conclusion that the world is run by the “markets” and governments are about as much use as the NHS IT system, but hasn’t it always been that way?

“Our” piss poor policies millionaires club coalition have even managed to balls up the sale of the Olympic village at the cost of £275 million to UK taxpayers.

The joint deal, between real estate investment company Delancey and Qatari Diar, was worth £557m but latest budget figures show development of the village has cost £1.1 billion.

The Olympic Delivery Authority, which sold the site, had already sold 1,379 of the village residences to Triathlon Homes for £268m back in 2009 with the intention of using them for affordable housing.

However, insiders say this deal will ensure £324m of contingency monies are repaid, something that was in doubt for a while during the economic crisis.

 A drop in the ocean...

Elfandsafety is about to kill orf the Bunsen burner

Scientists of the future are being discouraged by over-zealous health and safety concerns at school, a committee of MPs has said.

The Commons science and technology committee's report found that health and safety was often levelled as a "convenient excuse" for declining practical experiments and trips.

However the committee concluded that there was no credible evidence to support a decrease in practical experiments and work outside the classroom on these grounds.

Still it will save on gas bills...

And allegedly; Tesco my favourite retailer is preparing to launch a major price-cutting initiative this weekend, in a move that could have serious implications for the supermarket sector as it tries to woo squeezed consumers.

Britain's biggest supermarket chain has ordered all of its store managers to come into work on Sunday to help the shops prepare for the announcement, which is expected to see Tesco concentrate on simpler promotions, with fewer buy-one-get-one-free offers and more low, round prices.

It is also expected to use its Clubcard scheme to reduce the number of shoppers who increasingly flit from Tesco to rivals in search of lower prices.

Shoppers have been cutting back on groceries as gas and electricity bills have climbed. Latest official statistics show that volumes of sales in large food stores were down 1.3pc last month.

Tesco refused to comment on the announcement but Phil Clarke, the new chief executive, is understood to want to win back customers from the likes of Aldi and Lidl by focusing on the Tesco Club Card and refreshing its range of own-label products.

Time will tell....

The Blue Peter annual is no more

In the glory days, the Blue Peter Annual sold well over 100,000, but back then there were fewer than 40 such books published at Christmas. Now, there are more than 200 to choose from.

Last year, sales dropped by 16 per cent, with only a handful selling more than 100,000, the biggest seller of 2010 was The Beano with 201,277 copies – followed by Doctor Who (140,044) and Peppa Pig (133,651).

Perhaps unsurprisingly, booksellers expect this year’s best-selling annual to be the Moshi Monster one.

Sign of the times......

Left quite a lot and up a bit

An Edmonton woman has launched a $100,000 lawsuit after alleging she "suffered depression for approximately 10 minutes" when her chewing gum stuck to her dentures.

According to a statement of claim filed in Edmonton's Court of Queen's Bench on Sept. 14, Elsie C. Pawlow is suing Kraft Canada Inc., which is the parent company of Cadbury Adams, the creator of Stride gum.

In the statement of claim, Pawlow alleges she bought at least five packages of Stride gum.

"Over a period of five minutes the gum falls apart into little pieces and sticks to the dentures," Pawlow said in her statement of claim.

She then alleges in the statement of claim, filed at a cost of $200, that she had to "dig out" the pieces of chewing gum from her dentures, which she described as a "disgusting" procedure.

"As a result, the plaintiff has suffered depression for approximately 10 minutes," Pawlow said.

Pawlow is seeking $100,000 in general damages as well as interest and court costs.

A statement of defence has not yet been filed.

Simple answer-don’t buy it.

 And finally: 

Young designer Rita Maria has made a collection of handbags out of recycled Wonderbras.

The iconic push-up lingerie, which soared in popularity during the 1990s, has undergone an extraordinary transformation thanks to the enterprising designer.

Using old bras donated by her friends, Miss Maria has now built up a vast collection of all types of sizes and colours of the innovative handbag.

 The mind boggles.

 That’s it: I’m orf to change the speed of light to E=Mc2 to E=Mc2 and a bit.

And today’s thought: don’t forget to look up tonight.

Angus

Robbing bastards: Boris for PM: NHS and PFI: Diplomatic Welshman: Deadly dumplings: and Spitting fire again.

Warm. Bright and calm at the Castle this morn, just got back from the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run from Tesco, and I nearly crashed the Honda, drove past the go juice repository and saw that the price of unleaded has gone up from £1.33.9 to £1.35.9 per litre since last week.

According to a “source” at Tesco they check their prices every week and “are always the cheapest in the area”.

Not true-see above. Anyone else really, really tired of being ripped orf by supermarkets, gas, Leccy, insurance and water companies? 

Time for the Piss Poor millionaires club Coalition to finally get orf their arses and sort these robbing bastards out, or better still have another general election...

I see that Boris Johnson has dropped his clearest hint yet that he harbours ambitions of exchanging London's City Hall for Downing Street as he left open the possibility of returning to Westminster as an MP.

And we think we are in trouble now....

Patient care is under threat at more than 60 NHS hospitals which are “on the brink of financial collapse” because of costly private finance initiative schemes, the Health Secretary will warn.

Andrew Lansley says he has been contacted by 22 health service trusts which claim their "clinical and financial stability" is being undermined by the costs of the contracts, which the Labour government used extensively to fund public sector projects.

The Daily Telegraph can disclose that the trusts in jeopardy include Barts and the London, Oxford Radcliffe, North Bristol, St Helens and Knowsley, and Portsmouth.

Between them the trusts run more than 60 hospitals which care for 12 million patients.

“Care” being the “operative” word.

Dahn Unda

A Welsh man who tried to claim international immunity when caught drunk in charge of a boat off Townsville instead ended up behind bars with police moving to prevent him from fleeing the country.

Nicholas Richard Smith, 50, was four times the legal limit when his vessel Rozinante cruised through the Breakwater Marina on Saturday.

But when police tried to arrest the Welshman over the matter, he told them they had no right because his boat was "British soil", making him immune to Queensland law.

But police were not convinced and Smith yesterday appeared in the dock in Townsville Magistrates Court charged with drink driving.

Smith was taken into custody until his court appearance yesterday morning to ensure he would show after he told police he would "skip the country".

Police prosecutor Constable Lisa Lindenmayer told the court officers stopped Smith for a random breath test but, after noticing he was visibly drunk, took him back to Townsville police station where he blew 0.205 per cent.

Defence barrister Mark Donnelly told the court his client had not been in trouble with the law at all since he arrived in Australia in 2004.

Mr Donnelly said while Smith admitted he had been drinking, he was "surprised" at the reading.

He said his client had worked all over the world as a civil engineer and was about to start a lucrative project manager position in Western Australia, so would be able to pay a fine.

Magistrate Peter Smid fined Smith $1500 and disqualified him from driving for nine months.

The magistrate made no order in relation to his boat licence.

Nine out of ten for Numptyism.

Back in what used to be the USSR

A 77-year-old Ukrainian man won a jar full of sour cream for coming first in a dumpling eating contest and then promptly died, local media reported on Wednesday.

Ivan Mendel ate 10 dumplings in half a minute to win first place and a one-litre jar of sour cream in the contest held in the town of Tokmak in the south-eastern Zaporizhya region on September 18, Fakty I Kommentarii newspaper said.

Shortly afterwards, Mendel became unwell and died, according to local news websites.

Dumplings, called "vareniki" in the former Soviet republic, are a staple of Ukrainian cuisine and are often stuffed with a range of fillings from mushrooms to cherries

Can you die “promptly”?

 And finally:

A Spitfire shot down 71 years ago has once again taken to the skies after being restored by a group of enthusiasts.

Following test flights in Duxford, Cambridge the P9374 is now the world's oldest surviving airworthy Mk1 Spitfire.

Rescued from the mud in northern France, the plane was downed on May 24, 1940.

Flight Officer Peter Cazenove, who was part of 92 Squadron, was at the controls when he drew fire from a German Messerschmitt 109.

 Good one-let’s hope it has better luck this time....

That’s it: I’m orf to put my tin hat on. 

And today’s thought: "Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."

Angus

Numb nuts Nick has lost it: Not even a Monkey: Space Trike: S’now fun in October: Grumpy young men: Global warming-Nah: and the Undead for sale.

‘Tis wet, warm and wobbly at the Castle this morn, the study is filling up nicely with broken do-dahs, and his Maj has got the hump because he can’t go out.

And talking of his Maj-he has many, many toys, he has balls of all shapes and sizes (apart from the two that are attached), a rat, several mice and a variety of chasey things, but his favourite toy is.........a stick, yes the thing he likes the best is a bit of shrubbery that he found in the garden.

Just to prove it below is a short video of him with his favourite toy (apologies for the bad quality).

Up at the Lib Dem conference Cleggy has finally slipped through the tear in the dimensional rift and has come up with the biggest load of old bollocks yet.

The Lib Dem boss will issue a plea for some sympathy for the tearaways' plight in his set piece speech to his party conference.

And he will announce new £50million summer schools for 11-year-old potential troublemakers in a bid push them back on track.

Mr Clegg's "hug-a-young-rioter” approach is a marked contrast to the tough line Premier David Cameron took on the rioters, blaming an underclass's moral collapse.

But addressing the faithful in Birmingham today, the Deputy PM will say: "You know what really struck me? How so many of the rioters seemed to have nothing to lose.

Who voted for this arsehole?

And apparently a quarter of over 55’s have less than £500 in savings

While seven out of ten people in that age group do not believe that they should pay for care in their retirement.

The findings are contained in the Real Retirement Report from insurance company Aviva, which is based on interviews with 10,000 consumers.

The report shows that over-55s have seen incomes fall, savings drop and debts rise as they struggle to cope with the rising cost of living. The average monthly income for this age bracket has fallen by almost £80 over the last three months to £1,216 due to spiralling inflation. However 25 per cent of people have just £500 or less saved in the bank.

Clive Bolton, a director at Aviva, said: “Our research clearly shows that the majority of over-55s do not believe that they should have to pay for care in retirement.  

Maybe it is because WE HAVE ALREADY FUCKING PAID FOR IT!

Over the big wet salty thing on the left

Ex NASA “scientists” have teamed up to create a high-tech tricycle.

Called the Treycycle, it is powered by a Chrysler 300 3.5-litre engine, packs 260 horsepower and can go from 0-60mph in 3.6 seconds.

The part-bike, part-car is billed as the first race-engineered but street-legal three-wheeled vehicle.

There is apparently already a waiting list of 150 for the tricycle, which is being built in the shadow of Launch Pad 39A, where shuttle Atlantis once stood.

They aim to build two every three weeks in the first year of production, which is set to start next month

Michael Shulman, from promoters Emerging Growth Institute, said: "You can be sure this is going to fly."

I hope not, but Wallace and Gromit would be proud.

According to “experts”

Temperatures will fall sharply over the coming months and are forecast to drop below average for the time of year.

Long-range forecasters at Exacta Weather have also said that we should brace ourselves for another brutal winter from December through to February.

James Madden said: "As we head towards winter, I expect to see the first signs of some moderate to heavy snowfalls as early as October or November in certain parts of the UK.

"I expect December, January, and February to experience below-average temperatures, with the heaviest snowfalls occurring within the time frame of November to ­January across many parts of the UK."

The Met Office also warned that we should expect colder-than-average nights at the beginning of October, which would bring with them the chance of overnight frosts. The Midlands and the South-east are expected to bear the brunt of the cold snap.

Oh joy; I must send the butler out to stock up on fat teenagers.

According to the “Express”

Men really are grumpier than women – especially in front of the camera.

A study of more than 1,000 photographs in student year books found females far more likely to smile for the camera than males.

Psychologist Dr Nicolas Gueguen, who led the research, believes teenage girls associate smiling with attractiveness from role models such as actresses, female pop stars and models.

But boys’ role models – including rock bands and sport stars – tend to be sulkier and moodier.

Dr Gueguen said: “Women were more likely than men to smile expansively when photographed.”

No surprise there then.

Allegedly

 More than 31,000 scientists have signed a petition denying that man is responsible for global warming.

The academics, including 9,000 with PhDs, claim that greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide and methane are actually beneficial for the environment.

The petition was created in 1998 by an American physicist, the late Frederick Seitz, in response to the Kyoto Protocol a year earlier.

It urged the US government to reject the treaty and said: "The proposed limits on greenhouse gases would harm the environment, hinder the advance of science and technology, and damage the health and welfare of mankind."

It added: "There is no convincing scientific evidence that human release of ... greenhouse gases is causing or will, in the foreseeable future, cause catastrophic heating of the Earth’s atmosphere and disruption of the Earth’s climate. Moreover, there is substantial scientific evidence that increases in atmospheric carbon dioxide produce many beneficial effects upon the natural plant and animal environments."

The petition was reissued last year by the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine, an independent research group, partly in response to Al Gore’s film on climate change, An Inconvenient Truth.

See the article on weather.

And finally:

Jack Mord is asking $1million for a photo of a man, believed to have lived in Tennessee around the time of the American Civil War, who has a resemblance to a Hollywood star.

Mr Mord, a dealer in antique images, believes the photo is of Nicolas Cage himself and proves the actor is a member of the 'walking undead'.

The eBay listing for the photo reads: 'Original c.1870 carte de visite [a type of small photograph] showing a man who looks exactly like Nick Cage.

'Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead / vampire... who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so.

'150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.'

The seller claims he found the photo at the back of an album of Civil War-era portraits, but he noticed there was something inconsistent with the other pictures.

He said: 'All of the other people in the album, living and dead, were identified by name - this man was not.'

 Numpty.....

That’s it: I’m orf to grow some bacteria. 

And today’s thought: "The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room."

 Angus