The MOT M.O.T.: Formula 0.5: Cutting costs: Big Apple leper colony: Chilly Chilean: Damp dining: and Fancy retiring to Ecuador?

It hasn’t been as cold as this at the Castle since yestermorn, his Maj still refuses to go out and le lurgy France’ has progressed to the point where I can’t feel my dangly bits and I am farting garlic gas.

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Has done yet another U-Turn, this time over the plan for the need to have an MOT test every two years instead of annually.

Transport Secretary Justine Greening said she had decided to stick with the present system, which had been under threat in a review of red tape.

Instead she set out a series of measures designed to improve the service offered by garages after official figures showed more than a quarter of tested cars had defects missed or wrongly assessed.

That’s the problem when you put a Lady in charge of transport-she has the map upside down.....

And staying on transport-sort of

McLaren have unveiled the new MP4-27 for this year’s F-0.5 season, shame we license payers will only see half of the races in full.

And apparently:

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Is on target with its cost-cutting, Analysis by the National Audit Office found departments spent £7.9bn less in 2010-11, as capital, administrative and programme budgets were all reduced.

Departments "successfully managed" within the new limits, it said. But it warned most had "no detailed plan" on how to meet tougher targets by 2015.

Ministers said plans were "on track".

Oh joy; and I expect that those who have seen their standard of living plummet to poverty levels, have waited months for a hospital appointment and have to choose between “heat and eat” will be bleedin ecstatic...

Over the big salty thing on the left

Just 350 yards from the Bronx there lays an abandoned leper colony, North Brother Island was first employed as a quarantine centre in 1885.

It was soon a home to six lepers. Its most notorious resident was 'Typhoid Mary' - the first healthy carrier of any disease ever to be identified - who spent years confined in its bleak woods.

Closed in 1963, it is now a haunting labyrinth of crumbling ruins, protected birds are its only inhabitants and the waters around the island are patrolled by armed coastguards who ensure the sanctity of the former quarantine zone is never violated

Reminds me of Grimly Dark ‘Orspital...

Dahn a bit plus a bit more

Police in the southern Chilean city of Cochrane arrested a man who attempted to steal over five tons of ice from the Jorge Montt Glacier, 1,700 kilometres south of the capital Santiago, El Mercurio daily reported on Wednesday.

A truck loaded with five tons of ice was stopped near Cochrane, the city’s prosecutor Jose Moris told the El Mercurio

Police think the ice was to be sold to Santiago bars for mixing cocktails, the paper said, adding that the driver would face charges of theft and damage to the nation's cultural heritage.

Ice theft is considered a major crime in Chile, according to the daily, as the Jorge Montt is one of the most rapidly receding glaciers. It is a part of the 13,000-square-kilometer Southern Ice Field, the world’s third biggest frozen landmass, shared by Chile and Argentina.

The seized ice, valued at an estimated $6,000, will be used for irrigating drought-hit local crops in Cochrane, El Mercurio reported.

Don’t they have fridges in Chile then....

Across the peaceful sea

In the Quezon province of the Philippines, Villa Escudero is a nice hacienda-style resort with cosy rooms and an exotic atmosphere. But the best bit is the waterfall restaurant that allows tourists to enjoy a nice meal right at the foot of a small waterfall.

People are encouraged to take off their shoes and get as close to the falls as possible. Set right at the foot of Labasin Falls, this special place invites customers to taste popular Filipino dishes, while fresh spring water from the falls flows under and over their feet.

Lovely; apart from the yellow streams running over your plates….

And finally:

Back across to the lower Americas

An international magazine is looking for volunteers to spend a month in Cuenca, Ecuador to test its potential as a retirement destination.

"We're not giving away a free vacation," said Jennifer Stevens, the executive editor of International Living magazine, which launched the competition.

The winner of the competition, who will be announced on May 30th, will receive round-trip air fare for two, a furnished apartment and $1,500 in living expenses, according to an ad posted on InternationalLiving.com.

The magazine said the competition gives it the opportunity to show readers the benefits of retiring abroad.

Applicants must be near retirement age and be willing to relax, explore shop, try local restaurants, maybe take a Spanish class, and report on their experience during an all-expense paid month in the Latin American country.

The only snag is that you must live in the United States or Canada.

Oh well nobody’s perfect.....

That’s it: I’m orf to crate up the Elephants

And today’s thought:

Angus

The Dark Lord pulls a fast one: Not so smart meters: The Brain museum: Tubeless toilet paper: Le Roy Tourette’s: and a De-Daws dick.

Ye gods its cold at the Castle this morn, the liquid metal in the temperature gauge has curled up in a ball at the bottom of the bulb, his Maj refuses to go out and the birds are ice skating on the water bowl.

And since my day in the land over the channel I have contracted some sort of French lurgy...

Up to the bit of Westminster that isn’t common

Dark Lord Mandelson has found a way to get round having to disclose a list of his business clients under new rules intended to improve transparency in the House of Lords.

He was expected to publish a list of his clients at his advisory firm, Global Counsel, which was previously registered as a “Category 1” directorship of a public or private company.

However, he has re-labelled his business interest as “remunerated employment”, meaning he no longer has to provide this detailed information.

Peers are now under an obligation to publish the precise source of their pay if they are directors of public or private companies, as part of a new drive to tighten up disclosure of business interests.

Or maybe not....

And apparently smart meters aren’t

The Government had promised that every household would have a smart meter by 2019 in a £12 billion programme to stop gas and electricity bills being estimated.

But officials are now devising plans to allow people to reject the smart meters, which communicate remotely from households to energy companies.

Because allegedly the devices emit electromagnetic radiation 24 hours a day and cannot be turned off.

About 400,000 have been installed in British homes. Most of the devices emit similar radiation to mobile phones, microwaves and wireless internet.

Campaigners are worried about the build-up of such devices in the home.

Some people claim to be sensitive to electromagnetic fields, saying it gives them symptoms such as nausea, fatigue and headaches.

The real reason is of course that in America, utility companies have been hit with multi-million dollar class action lawsuits from people who have had the devices installed in their homes.

So using the excuse of Elfandsafety Charles Hendry the energy minister has done a Coalition U-Turn and said: “We believe people will benefit from having smart meters, but we will not make them obligatory.”

 

Dahn in Sarf America

Tucked behind the Institute of Neurological Science down a decrepit street resides the largest display of human brains in Latin America.

The Brain Museum in Lima is run by Neuropathologist Diana Rivas, this one-of-a-kind collection contains over 3,000 examples of damaged brains and fetuses, displaying abnormalities caused by an array of neurological diseases, psychiatric

The modestly-sized museum is packed with morbid examples of stroke, Alzheimer's, tumors and trichinosis, but the star of the show is the Creutzfeld-Jacob disease specimen, commonly known as the human strain of mad cow disease.

Collecting brains and deformed fetuses since 1947, the museum also houses an autopsy room where Dr. Rivas supervises 100 autopsies a year, allowing her the convenience of hand-picking new residents for her shelves.

There are 650ish “donors” available in the sinking houses of Parliament, or have they already contributed?

The end of the tube

Kimberly-Clark the firm behind Andrex have announced what it says is the world’s first toilet paper roll without a tube which will go on sale in the US.

It's claimed doing away with the cardboard tube -- which has been the central fixture of rolled toilet paper for more than 100 years -- will massively reduce paper waste.

But the manufacturer claims the move has not been as simple as it sounds and they've had to develop a revolutionary way of winding the paper around itself.

A spokesperson for Kimberly-Clark, said: "By eliminating the tube, we are making it easy for consumers to help tangibly improve the environment, without compromising on product quality or performance.

That’ll fuck up Blue Peter...

Still in the land of mystery and the home of hysteria

Allegedly; in Le Roy High School New York up to 15 girls have developed Tourette’s over the past few months, there has been an outbreak which causes twitching and uncontrollable verbal outbursts - including swearing in some cases.

Doctors say the symptoms could be due to conversion disorder - once known as mass hysteria.

Even though it is a psychological condition, the symptoms are real.

According to the Mayo Clinic, females are much more likely to get conversion disorder and it is more common in adolescents or young adults.

Twitching, unruly, swearing teenagers-and the problem is....

And finally:

A de daws dangly thing

When the male orb-web spider has its first, and sometimes last, sexual encounter it has a trick up its sleeve: detachable genitalia which keep pumping even after their owner's moved on.

The orb-web spider Nephilengys malabarensis is sexually cannibalistic and the male has detachable genitals. These spiders have at most two chances to mate: They have a pair of sperm-transferring organs, actually called their "palps" but analogous to a penis, which detach from their bodies when they disengage from mating — either when the female pushes them away and possibly eats them or they successfully run away to risk death another day.

Handy...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to cancel my trip to Edinburgh zoo.

And today’s thought:

  

Angus

Water, water everywhere: Fine crime: Paint your manhole: Sheep bunny: Flip-flop lawn: and Paper cities.

Cold as the coldest thing you could think of at the Castle this morn, left at 4 of the am yestermorn and arrived home at 10 of the pm, met some people I didn’t like that much, was presented with an offer I couldn’t live with and had a lunch that was expensive and poorly “chef’ed”. 

I hate France...

 

Back in Blighty

It seems that the tosspots at Ofwat (or Orftwat) have decided that the foreign owners of our water will be allowed to increase prices by 5.7% from April to about £376 per household on average.

The regulator said that the average rise was made up of November's retail prices index of 5.2%, plus 0.5%.

"Inflation feeds through into water bills, and this is driving these rises, the twat at the top of Ofwat” Regina Finn, Ofwat's chief executive, said in a statement on Tuesday.

"We understand that any bill rise is unwelcome, particularly in tough economic times. We will make sure customers get value for money," she said.

 

Bollocks.....

And just to add to our misery

Old fart Ken Clarke has come up with punning clan to screw motorists even more.

Drivers could see standard £60 fines increase by almost 70 per cent to compensate victims of crime even though there is no direct victim in many motoring offences.

Those who go to court to challenge speeding tickets or for more serious driving offences could pay up to £120 in to the programme.

The fines for motorists come as part of a huge expansion in the Victims Surcharge scheme, which currently levies just £15 on top of fines issued by courts.

Half of the additional revenues from speeding fines will be used to compensate victims, while the remainder will be used for road safety schemes or be used to boost Treasury coffers.

Ministers hope to raise around £30 million a year just from fixed penalty surcharges.

Fuck off....

East to the land where things can only get better

Apparently “artists” have been painting their manholes.

Go on click on the link; mind you once you have seen one manhole.....

West to the land where they know how to deal with more than an inch of snow  

On a farm near Käl, in Sweden there is a new shepherd-Champis the dwarf rabbit has made himself indispensable around the farm he lives on - by taking on the role of resident sheep dog.

Bless.

Dahn Unda

An Australian footwear company has reported ‘amazing’ sales after launching a new pair of flip flops made of fake grass.

The company’s website shows sun seekers walking along the beach in the grass slippers which occasionally need to be fluffed for added comfort.

The KUSA website explains: ‘Love the feeling of bare feet on freshly mowed grass?  Why not have that feeling anywhere, anytime. KUSA flip flops give you the opportunity to do just that. 

‘Where would you rather be? What would you rather be doing?  Close your eyes and you are there!’

The bizarre footwear seems to have been a hit with customers across the globe, appearing on various trendsetting and fashion websites.

Customers have been advised not to mow the grass to avoid damaging the product.

Thongs ain’t what they used to be...

And finally: 

Somewhere in the wobbly world

Origami architect, Ingrid Siliakus, can spend up to two months painstakingly creating entire cities purely from folding pieces of paper.

 

About time she got a proper job... 

That’s it: I’m orf to keep well away from large speakers.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Hip-hop balls up: Hanging out in Davos: Bridge over troubled captain: The electric 99mpg tree part: and the museum of broken relationships.

Coldish, dryish, cloudyish and crummyish at the Castle this morn, just got back from inserting some go juice into the Honda at Tesco, there will be no post tomorrow because I have to be somewhere far, far away before Dawn shows her crack. 

Yester aftermorn I was “watching” the box and was in that nice state between alert and asleep when his Maj came in and deposited a still twitching Blue Tit in my lap-I freaked, he freaked, the bird landed on the floor and his Maj grabbed the feathered prey and disappeared up the stairs to finish it orf under the four poster. Which is where I found it an hour later; I didn’t mind but would have preferred a chicken because I could do with a decent Sunday dinner.

In what is left of our NHS

Allegedly Tens of thousands of British patients with metal hip replacements could be at risk of being poisoned by them.

According to the Sunday Telegraph more than 30,000 British patients have had the 'metal-on-metal' hip replacements - a metal ball that fits into a metal cup implanted into the pelvis.

Problems reportedly occur when friction between the ball and cup causes tiny metal filings to break off.

These filings can seep into the bloodstream and cause inflammation, which can destroy muscle and bone.

And advisers to the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) say the devices could be causing "systemic toxicity" - effectively poisoning the body.

Medical regulators are drawing up new advice after taking "prompt action" to investigate safety concerns.

A spokesperson for the MHRA said: "On the evidence currently available, the majority of patients implanted with metal-on-metal hip replacements are at low risk of developing any serious problems.

Depends what you call “serious problems”.

Over to the cold place where “Sir” Mick (I don’t want to be part of the establishment) Jagger wouldn’t go

A few ladies decided to protest against poverty by getting their norks out, three topless Ukrainian protesters were detained Saturday while trying to break into an invitation-only gathering of international CEOs and political leaders to call attention to the needs of the World's poor. Separately, demonstrators from the Occupy movement marched to the edge of the gathering.

With temperatures around freezing in the snow-filled town, they took off their tops and tried to climb a fence before being detained. "Crisis! Made in Davos," read one message painted across a protester's torso, while others held banners that said "Poor, because of you" and "Gangsters party in Davos."

Bet that made a point....or six....

Over to the land of the Garfunkel and the home of the Simon

A cargo ship has smashed through a US bridge after being too tall to go under it, leaving a 300ft gap in the structure.

The vessel took a large amount of asphalt and metal with it which was left on the ship's bow as it destroyed two sections of the bridge.

At the time, four cars were on the structure that normally carries about 2,800 vehicles a day.

There were also 20 workers on the 300ft-long Delta Mariner that was transporting rocket equipment.

Emergency services and officials rushed to the scene to assess the damage on the Eggner Ferry Bridge.

Sail on silver girl, sail on by....

Here is the proper pic-it was just an excuse to listen to a couple of "old friends".

Still in the land of the oil well and the home of fuel economy

The Nissan Leaf electric car will get the equivalent of 99 miles per gallon according to its official EPA fuel economy label rating.

Since the Leaf uses electricity and not gasoline for fuel, the EPA had to create a "mpg-equivalent" rating.

The EPA estimates the Leaf's driving range on a full charge to be about 73 miles, according to the label provided by Nissan, a figure that is considerably lower than the 100 miles Nissan has regularly touted for the car.

The annual electricity cost for the Leaf is estimated to be $561. By comparison, the annual fuel cost of a Toyota Prius, which the EPA estimates gets 50 miles a gallon, is $867.

Does that mean that my laptop does 265 mpg then?

And finally:

Right more than a lot of thingies to privatised Blighty

An international touring exhibition which features keepsakes from failed love affairs has come to Lincolnshire.

The Museum of Broken Relationships has opened at the National Centre for Craft and Design in Sleaford.

Among the exhibits, which were donated anonymously, were a Taser stun gun, teapots and a toy caterpillar.

Artists Olinka Vistica and Drazen Grubisic from Croatia came up with the idea after their own relationship ended, as a way of expressing the pain.

Laura Mabbutt, exhibitions officer at the centre, said one of the most unusual items on show was a small bottle containing the tears someone cried after their relationship broke up.

"It's not just teddy bears, pieces of jewellery and love letters, we've got some really exciting pieces and unusual objects here and that's one of them."

Many of the items on display have come from a permanent exhibition in Zagreb, which was awarded the Kenneth Hudson Award for Innovation earlier this year.

It houses more than 700 objects donated by people from all over the world whose relationships have come to an end.

One item on show at the permanent exhibition is a teddy bear with a note from one broken-hearted owner.

It reads: "I got this teddy bear on Valentine's Day. He survived because it wasn't him who hurt me, but the idiot who left him behind."

Someone get me a bucket....

That’s it; I’m orf to test some anti-matter

And today’s thought:

Angus

The car now passing platform two: Atheist temple: C.U. panda: Bacon tampon: and Irish bricks.

Cold, damp, drear and really ‘orrid at the Castle this morn, the mock orange shrub is still in place despite plans a, b and c, the shed is full of bags vandalised bits for the “recycling centre” and after my first full week of ‘retirement’ I am bored.

But even more crocus/s have pushed their heads up to meet the “arctic” weather we have been promised.

Dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire

An 85-year-old drove down a high-speed railway line for 80 yards after taking a wrong turn at a level crossing.

The woman had a 20-year-old man in her car as she drove towards Brockenhurst station in Hampshire's New Forest.

She turned on to the main line between Bournemouth and London Waterloo and drove for 80 yards on the tracks before her car came to a halt.

A British Transport Police spokesman said: "BTP and Hampshire Police officers attended the line near to Brockenhurst rail station after a report that a car had been driven on to the line from the level crossing.

Rail services in the area were disrupted as a result of the incident, with buses brought in to replace trains.

 

But they couldn’t get past the car on the tracks...

Up in the Smoke

There is a bit of bovver over an atheist temple, Alain de Botton, the philosopher and writer, has proposed constructing a 150ft tower in the heart of the capital’s financial district to celebrate atheism as a positive force.

However, the idea has been condemned by Richard Dawkins, the evolutionary biologist and author, as a waste of money and a contradiction of terms.

De Botton’s proposed temple is designed to celebrate more than 300m years of life on earth. Each centimetre of the tower's interior has been designed to represent a million years and a narrow band of gold will illustrate the relatively tiny amount of time humans have walked the planet. The exterior would be inscribed with a binary code denoting the human genome sequence.

Construction could start by the end of 2013 if permission is granted by the Corporation of London.

Almost half the funds for the project have already been raised from an anonymous group of property developers, de Botton said. He hopes to find the rest of the money with a public appeal.

He can appeal all he likes I don’t believe in atheism....

North of the border

Edinburgh Zoo on Tuesday unveiled a new panda tartan, commissioned to commemorate the pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang. It is black and white.

The tartan, approved by the Scottish Register of Tartans, was created by the Edinburgh Company Kinloch Anderson.

Senior director Deirdre Kinloch Anderson explained other elements of the design: "The green line is for the pandas' favourite food of bamboo. There are three fine red lines to represent China. Number 3 is China's lucky number, and also the red lines are in the heart of the design to indicate that the pandas are in the hearts and minds of the Scottish and Chinese people."

The two 8-year-old pandas arrived at the zoo last month from China: the female Tian Tian (aka Sweetie) and the male Yang Guang (aka Sunshine).

Other animals honoured by a registered tartan include springboks, Australian donkeys and the racehorse Red Rum.

Nice, but I would like to know how they are going to get the Pandas to wear it...

 

Over to the land of the snack and the home of the fry up

A new medical study recommends a method called "nasal packing with strips of cured pork" as an effective way to treat uncontrollable nosebleeds.

According to Ian Humphreys, Sonal Saraiya, Walter Belenky and James Dworkin who “work” at Detroit Medical Centre in Michigan they treated a girl who had a rare hereditary disorder that brings prolonged bleeding. 

Apparently “Cured salted pork crafted as a nasal tampon and packed within the nasal vaults successfully stopped nasal haemorrhage promptly, effectively, and without sequelae … To our knowledge, this represents the first description of nasal packing with strips of cured pork for treatment of life-threatening haemorrhage in a patient with Glanzmann thrombasthenia."

 

Fascinating, but will it work Dahn Unda?

And finally:

Right more than a snippet

Unemployed Irish artist, Frank Buckley, has built an entire apartment from the shredded remains of 1.4 billion Euros he borrowed from the national mint. He says the Billion Euro Home is a monument to the madness the single currency brought to Ireland.

In 2002, when Ireland adopted the euro, a wave of cheap credit flooded the country, fuelling a huge property bubble that eventually led to the country’s economic downfall. People were spending billions of Euros on buildings, but when the bubble burst in 2007, the country plunged into the deepest recession of the industrialized world, and those buildings quickly lost their value. Frank Buckley was one of the many Irish who was given a 100% mortgage by the bank, to buy a home with an estimated cost of €365,000, despite the fact he had no steady income. Now his house on the far reaches of Dublin’s commuter belt has lost a third of its value, and the artist is stuck with the credit.

The artist borrowed shredded euro bills from the national mint, made them into bricks and built himself an apartment in the lobby of a vacant Dublin office building. ”I wanted to create something from nothing,” Buckley says, “a reflection of the whole madness that gripped us.” He has separated from his wife, and has been living in his worthless Billion Euro Home, since December.

 

Hope he is paying rent.....

That’s it: I’m orf to check the moat out for ‘microplastic’ thingies. 

And today’s thought:

Angus

Compo coppers: El Colacho: The Txalaparta: Pass the bomb: B2 or UFO: and Jackson Pillocks.

Colder than the tip of the iceberg of sleaze in the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition at the Castle this morn, the butler is stuffing fat teenagers into the furnace faster than the economy is falling into recession and his Maj has discovered the joy of falling asleep on my lap and drooling all over my trousers.

All across broken, bonus led Blighty

According to the Sun, some woodentops are raking it in, and have shared £12 million of our council tax in compo.

One officer received £120,000 for a 'bruise', while another received £17,500 for 'noise-induced deafness from computer/keyboard'.

A Humberside sergeant received £14,000 after suffering from tinnitus caused by a 'buzzer in the cells', while a Lancashire kennel hand was given £46,604 after being bitten by a dog.

The payments, dating back to 2006, included £11,500 to a Humberside support worker who injured themselves lifting a bicycle and £17,664 to an employee who "slipped on a brick".

The size of payments to an officer who was "spiked" on his own radio and an employee whose hand was injured while "removing a file" was not disclosed.

Greater Manchester Police made the greatest sum of payments, totalling £2.58m, followed by Hertfordshire Police at £1.2m and West Midlands Police at £1.1m.

Makes you proud of Elfandsafety...

Dahn a fair way to one of the countries falling into the Eurozone black hole

The Feast of Corpus Christi is a religious celebration in late May or early June. The occasion is typically marked with a mass and a processional, and, in most cases, not much else. But near Burgos, Spain, the Feast of Corpus Christi is a big deal.

On the day of the Feast of Corpus Christi, the town has its own tradition, called El Colacho.

A man dresses up in a red-adorned yellow jumpsuit representing the devil and carrying a whip and baton soars over as many as a half-dozen dolled-up infants lying on a mattress as their parents and the rest of the town watch. Symbolically, the devil’s leap cleanses the babies of original sin, putting them on the path to a good life and entrance into heaven.





And the chance of a big compo claim if he doesn’t make the distance...

Still in the land of flat brats

 I want one-all I need now is a mate to play it with...

East to the place where they are trying to reduce the population

Chinese soldiers stand in a circle passing an explosive satchel from one man to another, until one of them decides to throw it in a hole just before it explodes.

The lethal game is played by six soldiers standing in a circle with a dug whole in the middle. They pass an explosive satchel from one two another, counting down until it detonates. Just before it explodes, one of the soldiers throws it in the hole and they all leap away as the ground trembles and dirt starts flying from the pit. 

Now there’s a game to play in Parliament…

Over in the land of the stealthy and the home of Roswell

Allegedly The Northrop Grumman B-2 Spirit is an advanced military aircraft that has unique capabilities that are far-ranging. Introduced in 1997 (with an alleged first flight in 1989) there are just 22 of them in the world. They incorporate low observable stealth technology. Some have speculated that they may even utilize anti-gravity technologies or that they possess other exotic features that are kept from public view.

But it may not always be possible to keep such features from outside detection. One officially released film of the B-2 Bomber in flight that is very “revealing” may have somehow escaped the scrutiny of US Air Force censors. A recently-discovered segment of this video appears to show another of the B-2 Stealth’s capabilities: The ability to Morph.

The brief clip seems to demonstrate the craft’s “morph” of the metal skin of its outer hull. This would allow it to “intelligently” perform critical functions (and perhaps to “self-heal” if damaged by enemy action.)

Apparently it’s the back of the vents on the top of the wings at the front -about 2.40 mins.

Smokin....

And finally: 

Still in the land of fast food

A pair of US Numptys artists have recreated a series of classic artworks using nothing more than the ingredients for their lunch.

Brittany Powell and Tae Kitakata -- who plan to create a new art project every Monday in 2012 -- came up with the idea of replicating the works on a slice of bread.

As such the pair spent a morning turning toast into works inspired by the likes of Piet Mondrian, Damien Hirst, Jackson Pollock and Mark Rothko.

The Mondrian-esque grid system lunch used rectangles of cheese and a leaf of basil while the spotty Hirst one consists of blobs of mustard and ketchup.

 Yeah right....

That’s it: I’m orf to uninstall PC anywhere.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Going Dahn: The cost of morale: Heaven’s taxes: Mexican motors: Clipping dentist: In a hot hole: and a Brazilian Numpty.

Cold, wet and more than dismal at the Castle this morn, I spent most of yester aftermorn installing a new shower after the old one went tits up and deluged me with freezing cold water, and I spotted the first crocus in the garden.

Apparently U-Turn Cam is a bit disappointed over the economy

The Prime Monster said the worse-than-expected 0.2% contraction showed that the country was facing "extremely difficult economic times".

The contraction was driven by a 0.9% fall in manufacturing, a 4.1% drop in electricity and gas production as the warm weather caused people to turn down heating, and a 0.5% fall in the construction sector, while the powerhouse services sector ground to a halt.

And as the multi millionaire Eton shirt lifter couldn’t blame cold weather or an Icelandic volcano he decided that the "overhang" of debt run up under the previous government, high food and commodity prices, and the eurozone crisis was the cause.

 
Everyone else’s fault but the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition.

East to the land of exploding things

 

Celebrities embarking on “morale-boosting” visits to troops serving in Afghanistan cost taxpayers hundreds of thousands of pounds last year, new figures have shown.

Katherine Jenkins, the opera singer who is also the “Forces Sweetheart”, David Beckham, the former England captain and Cheryl Cole, the pop star, were among the high profile visitors to the war zone in 2011.

Defence chiefs organise the important “morale-boosting” trips to the front line as part of attempts to maintain troops' spirits as they battle against the Taliban.

Celebrities don flak jackets and helmets, travel on military flights before bedding down alongside servicemen and women during the publicised trips that generally provide favourable coverage.

Ministry of Defence (MoD) figures provided to Parliament on Tuesday show that taxpayers were billed £437,637 for celebrity visits "including an element for UK travel and mobilisation".

The MoD could not say if the stars were paid for the visits or how many trips were made.

 

That should read “would not say if the stars were paid for the visits or how many trips were made”

Left to the land of the tithe and the home of God

A 40-year-old man who told IRS agents he was not subject to man's laws but instead was an American national who "resided in the Kingdom of Heaven," pleaded not guilty this week to charges he filed false tax returns.

Russell P. Gentile, of Melbourne, Fla., also faces one count of obstruction of an IRS agent after a grand jury indicted him.

The indictment reported that in 2008 Gentile claimed that he had no reportable income for the years 2001 and 2002. Gentile sent a letter to the Internal Revenue Service disputing the government's claims and stated that he didn't have to provide information about his income.

Investigators reported that Gentile told IRS agents that he would sue them in court if they continued to call him and ordered them to remove his name and Social Security number from the agency's databases.



Good try...bad plan.

Dahn to the place that doesn’t like Clarkson

Nissan Motor Co. announced Wednesday it is investing $2 billion to build a new manufacturing plant in Mexico. It will be the Japanese company's third in the country, helping it serve markets throughout the Americas.

Construction of the plant in the northern state of Aguascalientes will begin this summer and production should start by the end of next year, according to a company statement. It said an industrial park for supplier companies also will be built.

The plant is projected to have the capacity to produce 175,000 vehicles a year, focusing on "B" platform vehicles. Those include the Versa, March and Tiida. The company says that will give Nissan the ability to produce 1 million cars a year in Mexico in the midterm.

Nissan manufactured more than 600,000 vehicles in Mexico last year, and it reported selling 1.56 million vehicles throughout the Americas, giving it a 7 percent market share for the hemisphere.

Nissan topped sales in Mexico last year with more than 224,000 vehicles, nearly 25 percent of the market.

Nissan said it expects to employ 3,000 workers, raising the company's total workforce in Mexico to 13,500. It projects the new plant will create 9,000 other jobs indirectly.

The company's production in Mexico includes the March, Sentra, Versa, Tiida autos, as well as the aging but still popular Tsuru model widely used as a taxi. It also produces NP300 light trucks.

Note to oneself-do not buy a Nissan-Datsun recalls

Up again to the land of private everything

In the state of many teeth a former dentist has pleaded guilty to Medicaid fraud for using sections of paper clips instead of stainless steel posts in root canals in an effort to save money.

Michael Clair, who had a practice in Fall River, Massachusetts, is scheduled to be sentenced next week. He pleaded guilty Friday to defrauding Medicaid of $130,000, assault and battery, illegally prescribing prescription drugs and witness intimidation charges.

Some of Clair's patients reported infections after he performed root canals on them, said Grant Woodman, a spokesman for state Attorney General Martha Coakley, whose office prosecuted Clair.

Prosecutors say Clair was suspended by Medicaid in 2002 but continued filing by using the names of other dentists in his practice.

Clair's license to practice dentistry was suspended in Massachusetts in July 2006. Woodman said Clair is no longer licensed to practice dentistry in any state.

James Kulild, a professor of endodontics at the University of Missouri-Kansas City School of Dentistry, said a paper clip should never be left in permanently.

And there are very limited circumstances under which a paper clip could be used during dental procedures.

Yeah, like holding the patients’ notes together.

Dahn Unda and right a bit

With just a few thrusts of a shovel, beach-goers in Coromandel Forest Park can watch a slow gurgle of warm, geothermal water rise from below the sand to gently fill a personal spa-like pool. In peak season, hundreds take to the beach with their bucket and trowel, digging pools just big enough to lie out in the water, which can reach temperatures of 147 degrees Fahrenheit. Those who forget a spade still can't be dismayed, as the local surf shop rents out digging tools for hot-tub creation.

Despite the comfort of the beach side spa, visitors must be careful not to venture to close to the water past low tide, as the breaking waves and rip currents near the beach have a notorious and dangerous track record, and high tide comes in and washes down the walls of their personal tubs.

Get a bleedin life....

And finally: 

Back over to the place I wouldn’t buy a Nissan from and dahn a bit

Security camera footage from Brazil shows how a hapless bank robber was quite literally the architect of his own downfall.

CCTV from a bank in northern Paraná, Brazil recorded the action when three armed men stormed the building on Monday.

All appeared to be running smoothly for the trio of thieves as the security guards quickly capitulated and the bank tellers handed over around 30,000 Brazilian reais (£11,000) to them.

Unfortunately the check-shirted man who was acting as the lookout at the front door was armed with two pistols and an apparent itchy-trigger finger.

Idly fumbling with one of the weapons he managed to accidentally shoot himself in the foot with the gun in his right hand.

He is last seen on the CCTV limping from the bank behind his two accomplices.

Natural justice.
 

That’s it: I’m orf to pour some whisky into the Hondas go juice tank

And today’s thought:

Angus