Naughty overpaid racists: High value visas: Dying for life: Ferrari to Fiat: Cleaning up in Chongqing: That’s the ticket: and exploding wedding cakes.

Warmish, wettish and a whimsy of mist at the Castle this morn, the foreign flu is still around a smidge-I have this urge to make a silent film and I have just returned from Tesco on the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run.

I see that while Blighty sinks into the west along with its economy U-Turn Cam is to hold a summit on racism in something called football in an attempt to ensure that the sport is not dragged back to the "bad old days" by recent race controversies, Jeremy Hunt, the culture secretary, said on Sunday.

The event will take place this month and, although details have not been finalised, it is expected to include player representatives and senior figures from bodies including the Football Association and the Premier League.

Simple answer-if one overpaid ballet dancer is found “guilty” of calling another overpaid ballet dancer a naughty name-sack the Pillock and ban him from kicking the leather bag full of air forever...

How to buy UK citizenship

The number of wealthy foreign nationals granted investor visas to stay in the UK has risen six-fold since they were introduced three years ago. In 2011, 320 visas were issued to individuals with £1m in capital, according to the commercial law firm McGrigors.

The biggest growth is among applicants from Russia and former Soviet states, who account for a third of investment visas, which are seen as a fast track to UK citizenship. Yuri Botiuk, a partner at McGrigors, said that Russian investors continued to see Britain as a place of stability in which to invest their cash.

Fifteen per cent of investment visas are now allocated to Chinese citizens who make up the second main national group.

Be a Blightyite-if you are rich....

Allegedly the British Moronic Arseholes-BMA

Want some patients to be kept alive solely so they can become organ donors as part of an urgent medical and ethical revolution to ease Britain’s chronic shortage of organs, doctors’ leaders say today.

A new BMA report also suggests hearts could be taken from newborn babies for the first time and body parts could be used from high -risk donors.

The BMA wants a debate about the use of an ethically contentious practice called “elective ventilation”, in which patients diagnosed as dead – such as those who have suffered a massive stroke – are kept alive purely to enable organ retrieval.

Nice to see that the NHS is “patient led”...

Right a bit to the land of pasta and posh motors

Italy's crackdown on tax cheats has many well-heeled drivers spurning their hot wheels for more prosaic cars to avoid unwelcome attention.

"Since December about 30 people have come to return their cars as they fear intense tax raids," a luxury car dealer said in Milan.

Domenico Minervini from the financial police in the central Emilia-Romagna region, added: "The tax office has begun to spread fear.

"Many citizens are bringing back their prestigious motors evoking the financial crisis but in reality they are scared and want to hone down their taxpayer profile as their declared revenues have been very low until now."

Buying a Fiat-that’ll teach em....

East even more

A large cargo truck carrying laundry detergent worth millions blew out a tyre in Qijiang county of Chongqing, drove through the centre divider, and stopped on the other side of the road, the cargo on the truck scattered all over the ground. After the villagers near the highway found out, one after another they rushed onto the highway to loot the scattered goods.

Seen the price of washing powder lately?

Dahn Unda

The Islamic Women's Welfare Association wants new migrants to get taxpayer subsidies to visit overseas relatives, and Australia should consider how to "facilitate the purchase of homes for new migrants".

In a submission to a federal multicultural inquiry, the association has urged the Government to give tax deductions to newly arrived migrants so they can visit relatives in their homelands.

"Migrants face a lot of sacrifices such as having to travel long distances to visit relatives, spending on communication costs, missing out on some events occurring in native countries etc," the submission said.

"This loss should be compensated by the Government in one way or the other to retain migrants in their country of adoption."

If you don’t like where you live fuck orf home-is that racist?

And finally:

Food artists Bompas & Parr are launching a food explosion service for weddings where for a fee a trained explosives technician will lay charges within your wedding cake ready for you to detonate.

A spokesperson for the firm said: "Traditional wedding cakes are a triumph of spectacle over taste. Bompas & Parr’s food explosion service pushes this ethos to its ultimate conclusion.

"The ritual of cutting the cake is significantly enhanced through the explosion, the sense of occasion heightened by the blast and your guests are spared eating flavourless fruitcake."

The service starts from £800 and includes a risk assessment and an explosive technician liaising with your cake provider to tell them how their creation will be destroyed.

That’ll go down a bomb...

That’s it; I’m orf to substitute some metal

And today’s thought:

Where to keep your brains.

Angus

Woodentop tax: EU black hole: Scratch and sniff jeans: Dopey, happy and not bashful Numpty: and the drive through funeral parlour.

‘Tis a whimsy warmer at the Castle this morn, his Maj has finally ventured out and the butler has emerged from the dungeon after his marathon stint shoving fat, drunk teenagers into the furnace.

Le France malady seems to be abating, the only urge I have had today is for soft, chewy cheese.

 

Dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire

The chief plod has written to the local police authority asking it not to use a government grant to freeze council tax.

The money would be equivalent to a 3% rise to its part of the council tax.

But the force had proposed an increase of 3.25% from April to ease cuts to front-line services.

Maybe they could save money on less braid...

According to the slow train to news

European Union chiefs are threatening to hit Britain with a £1billion cash demand after discovering a massive black hole in their budgets.

The Brussels-based European Commission identified a £9.2billion gap in funding after over pledging money to regional projects.

EU budget commissioner Janusz Lewandowski is now planning to deliver a fresh plea for cash to the 27 member nations.

He said: “There will probably be a deficit at the end of next year for which I will have to ask for extra funding.”

The demand for more cash is on top of this year’s UK contribution to Brussels of nearly £13.5billion.

I’ll have a look dahn the back of the sofa....

Over to the bit on tip of the big thing on the left

The latest thing is Scratch and sniff jeans which smell of raspberries and can be worn for months without washing.

They have just gone on sale at Liberty and Selfridges for £135 a pair.

Makers Naked and Famous Denim, who also do glow-in-the-dark jeans, claim the smell lasts for five washes.

The jeans are already a big seller in the company’s native Canada and varieties smelling of mint, grapefruit, banana, eucalyptus and ­apple are being planned.

Spokesman ­Bahzad Trinos said: ­“Hardcore denim lovers don’t wash them for months to get an individual look.

Perfect for us smelly old farts then.....

East more than a lot

A Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs fan has paid the ultimate tribute to her favourite film - by having the entire cast of characters etched on her skin.

Annfaye Kao, 27, from Taichung, Taiwan, had the intricate art work inked across her whole back in a marathon three month tattoo session.

The colourful patchwork of cartoons was inspired by a dream she once had about the fairy tale.

Annfaye - who says Snow White is her favourite ever movie character of all time - said: 'The motive for the tattoo started in a dream.

'It reminded me of my childhood and my love for Snow White as she is so beautiful.

Should have gone to Specsavers.... 

And finally:

Back over to the left

And dahn to LA (Where else) there is the Drive through funeral parlour where mourners do not even have to leave the comfort of their own cars to peer at the coffin through their window.

The Robert L. Adams drive-through funeral home first opened in 1974 and is only one of a handful in the US, which also gave the world drive-through restaurants and banks.

‘It’s a unique feature that sets us aside from other funeral parlours,’ said owner Peggy Scott Adams, a Grammy-nominated gospel singer who took over the business when her husband died.

‘You can come by after work, you don’t need to deal with parking, you can sign the book outside and the family knows that you paid your respects. It’s a convenience thing,’ she told the LA Times.

Apparently the only drawback is that the 3m (10ft) high drive-through area may not be suitable for mobile homes.

There goes the holiday then...

That’s it: I’m orf to get my asteroids vaporised.

And today’s thought:

Angus

The cost of education: The Subterranean Development Bill: Hair today-tattoo tomorrow: Money to burn: Man on a bicycle: More 3d street art: and Welsh toilet training.

Even colder at the castle this morn, the liquid metal in the heat gauge has buggered orf to somewhere warm and the fallic glu is so bad that I want to write double entendre’s all the time and I had to retreat to the four poster yestermorn.

As university fees reach the £9,000 mark

The knobs at the top of the educational edifices have taken advantage of all the new loot and awarded themselves nice fat pay raises.

Five vice-chancellors enjoyed increases in total pay packets of more than 20 per cent and 13 more were awarded rises of more than five per cent.

The average university head was paid £239,000, while 3,403 university staff received more than £100,000 – a six per cent rise.

The highest-paid vice-chancellor was Prof Andrew Hamilton, head of Oxford University, who earned a total package of £424,000 – a slight rise on the year before.

Prof David Eastwood, head of Birmingham University, received a seven per cent rise, taking his total pay package to £419,000.

Nicola Dandridge, chief executive of Universities UK, which represents vice-chancellors, said: “For 2010-11, there have been very few increases across the sector, reflecting the current funding climate.

“The remuneration packages for vice-chancellors reflect what it takes to recruit and retain individuals able to run complex, multi-million pound organisations, which are operating in an increasingly competitive, global market. These packages are in line with those in competitor countries and also with heads of public and private organisations of a similar size.”

Nationally, pay packages – including salary and pension contributions – rose by only one per cent on average. But some university heads took much greater increases.

The worst offenders are:

1. Paul Curran and Julius Weinberg, City University, London - £322,000 (£239,000) - 35%

2. Graham Upton, Cumbria University - £258,938 (£196,541) - 32%

3. Paul Thompson, Royal College of Art - £224,526 (£175,000) - 28% (includes two years' pension contributions)

4. Sir Leszek Borysiewicz and Dame Alison Richard, Cambridge University - £312,000 (£249,000) - 25%

5. Ian Diamond, Aberdeen University - £335,000 (£268,000) - 25% (was only part-time for part of the year before)

Nice to see that “we are still all in this together”

Up in the posh bit of the smoke

U-Turn Cam’s father-in-law has complained of Russians who moved into his “smart street in London” and started digging an underground basement.

Viscount Astor joined peers calling for tougher regulations for basement extensions amid concerns about their effect on neighbouring properties.

The Subterranean Development Bill was given an unopposed second reading after the House of Lords heard of the damage that could be done by wealthy homeowners installing swimming pools, gyms or extra rooms below their properties.

Lord Astor, who lives in basement flat in a Belgravia townhouse “on quite a smart street in London”, said his problems started when some Russian neighbours moved in and starting excavating the basement.

 Oh dear-what a shame....

Up to Brummy land

A British company said it is opening salons across England dedicated to the tattooing the scalps of bald men to make it look like they have short hair.

Company HIS Hair, or Hair-Ink-Skin, based in Birmingham, said it is opening facilities across England to allow men who have lost their hair to give the appearance of hair growing back using a tattooing technique applying different shades of pigment to the scalp to emulate the look of a buzz cut, The Sun reported Friday.

I find that a felt tip does much the same job- is a lot cheaper and doesn’t hurt at all...

East a smidge to the land of less food

Hungary's central bank is burning old monetary notes to help the needy in Europe's deadly cold snap.

The bank is pulping wads of old notes into briquettes to help heat humanitarian organisations.

Barnabas Ferenczi, head of the bank's cash logistics centre, said: "For the central bank, corporate social responsibility is an important thing.

"That's why we thought that since we destroy approximately 40 or 50 tons of currency every year, this thing can be useful for charities that have a problem finding fuel for burning."

"Our examination showed that the heating properties of these shredded currency briquettes are similar to brown coal so they are pretty useful for heating and resolve the problem to find fuel."

It takes the equivalent of £14,000 in notes to make a single one-kilogram briquette.

Wouldn’t it be better just to give them the money?

Somewhere in the Northern hemisphere

French artist and copyeditor Guillaume Blanchet from Montreal has lived on a bicycle for over a year.  Apparently he even cooked his own food and flirted with women, while perched on the narrow bicycle seat.

Blanchet does everything on the go, and he never stops pedalling. As he rides hands-free, he is occupied with the various mundane activities of life. Numerous items make an appearance, such as frying pans, shaving kits, laptops, telephones, Rubik cubes, and even musical instruments.

If you are tired of life watch the video-but beware the music is really annoying...

Tosser.....

Right a lot to the place near Edam

Dutch artist Leon Keer is exhibiting at the latest art show RawExpo in Rotterdam from 8 February – 4 March 2011.

The harbour area and abandoned warehouse forms the backdrop for the exhibition of more than 60 sculptures and installations curated by Piet de Jonge.

The 3d painting measures 45 square meters and is made directly on the concrete.

Spiffing.

And finally:

Dahn in Welsh Wales

Bosses at Swansea University have put up signs instructing students how to use the toilets properly after some were found in a mess.

They have blamed "cultural differences" in the way that the toilets are used by foreign students.

A university spokeswoman said: "The posters were produced to help address cultural differences that were unfortunately causing damage and hygiene issues.

"Swansea University is a multi-cultural campus community and the informational posters were produced, for use in both male and female facilities.

"The information was produced in conjunction with the International College Wales Swansea and displayed in key areas around the campus.

Students....

That’s it: I’m orf to have a look at Steve Jobs FBI file and then back to the four poster.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Pissed and broke: Nudge-nudge #2: Domestic tax breaks: Quackers: Bottled smoke: Two old farts: Dog parking: and Top Totty defeats Kate Green.

A nice fresh layer of deep, crisp and even at the Castle this morn, his Maj has re-attached himself to the radiator, and the butler has been in the dungeon so long shoving fat, drunk teenagers into the furnace that he is sending out sonar to find his way about.

The over the channel lurgy has reached new heights-I fancy building a big metal tower in the garden.

Over the frozen salty thing to the left

Allegedly an American-Indian tribe in South Dakota has sued some of the world's biggest beer firms over severe alcohol-related issues in the community.

The Oglala Sioux Tribe is asking for $500m (£316m) for healthcare, social services and child rehabilitation.

Tribal elders say the lawsuit is a last resort after efforts to curb abuse through protests and policy failed.

On the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation one in four children suffers foetal disorders caused by alcohol abuse.

The lawsuit, filed in the district court of Nebraska, targets Anheuser-Busch InBev Worldwide, SAB Miller, Molson Coors Brewing Company, MillerCoors LLC, and Pabst Brewing Company.

Self inflicted?

Back in deep, crisp and even Blighty

Knobhead David Halpern, a senior No.10 aide and the director of the No 10 Behavioural Insight Team, known as the “nudge unit” thinks that Elderly people should be encouraged to go back to work and move into smaller homes.

In a presentation, Mr Halpern said pensioners should be encouraged to return to work because of the benefits of social interaction for the elderly.

He told delegates at the Stockholm summit that more than half of those older than 75 in Britain described themselves as lonely “all or most of the time”.

“Work matters, particularly for older people, not just for money, but absolutely for social contact,” he said.

Not to mention all the tax they would pay, and stamp duty, and the pensions that wouldn't...

And just to prove that “we are all in this together”

Families could be given tax breaks for hiring cleaners and cooks to help with household chores, under a scheme to be considered by ministers.

The proposal could save middle-class families thousands of pounds a year in fees for domestic help and encourage more women to return to work after having children.

It would also act to cut the number of illegal workers, who are often paid “cash in hand”.

The idea would be modelled on a successful scheme operating in Sweden which has caught the eye of the Prime Monster.

Snag is that the Swedish economy is heading the same way as Blighty’s

East to the land of crispy birds

A farmer was spotted marching hundreds of ducks along a busy motorway in China.

Xu Ling promptly marched the beaked birds along a 70mph highway in Changde, Hunan.

Mr Ling was transporting his herd of ducks back to his land from a nearby lake where they had been feeding.

Despite the risk of a fine and a caution from the police, the farmer took the superfast highway to avoid taking the long route home.

'I know I shouldn't do it and that the police will fine me if they see me, but I have more than 200 birds and you need a wide road to herd them all along at the same time,' he explained.

'The only other way home is through lots of small alleys and you lose too many birds like that.



Pass the orange sauce....

Left again

Jim Dingilian uses candle smoke to paint images on the inside of empty bottles.

According to Jim “The miniature scenes I depict are of locations on the edge of suburbia which seem mysterious or even slightly menacing despite their commonplace nature. The bottles add to the implied narratives of transgression. When found by the sides of roads or in the weeds near the edges of parking lots, empty liquor bottles are artefacts of consumption, delight, or dread. As art objects, they become hourglasses of sorts, their drained interiors now inhabited by dim memories”

Yeah right, but the “pictures” are 'interesting'...

Still on the left

Arnie and Sly “bumped into each other in ‘orspital, in an amazing coincidence the two action stars had been booked in to have treatment on their shoulders at the same medical centre, on the same day.

Writing online Arnie said: ""After all the action, stunts & physical abuse shooting The Expendables 2 and The Last Stand, it was time for a little tune up on my shoulder.

"Look who was coincidentally waiting in line behind me for his shoulder surgery. Now we're ready for another round of great times and action when we shoot The Tomb."

 Obviously we're not suggesting this is a publicity stunt for 'The Tomb'

No shit....

Back in Nordic Blighty

For a small fee, UK pet owners will be able to drop their dogs off in a specially designed cage complete with its very own cooling fan for those hot sunny days.

It has been a massive hit in Europe and is now set to be launched in the UK later this year.

The 45 inch, plastic device was designed by a Norwegian company in 2004 after the introduction of a new law stopping owners from tying their pets to the front of public entrances following a spate of dog attacks across the country.

Norsk Hundeparkering now wants to bring their product to the UK following its enormous popularity in Norway.

Oh joy...

And finally:

Still in feminist Blighty

A campaign which led to "Top Totty" beer being banned from the House Of Commons bar has backfired - after sales increased across the country.

Family-run Staffordshire brewer Slater's revealed it has seen sales jump since one of its ales upset a MP Kate Green and attracted headlines around the world last week.

Slater's sales director Fay Slater announced that the firm has been bombarded with phone calls and emails from landlords wanting to get their hands on barrels of Top Totty.

The welcome boost for the popular ale comes after the four per cent beer was removed from sale at the Strangers' Bar, in the Houses of Parliament, after shadow equalities minister Ms Green said the pump clip, which features a half-naked lady, was offensive.

Now Slater's says it has sold around 50 more barrels than it shifts in an average week, with around half a dozen pubs saying they want to start selling the controversial ale too.

Up yours minister.....

That’s it: I’m orf to freeze some gruel.

And today’s thought:

Tax break

Angus

Nudge-nudge: Full English chocolate: Chevy Fatwa: Icelandic Lagarfljótsormurinn fishing net: Hanging about in Utah: and the Wootton pheasant.

As cold as the coldest thing you can think of at the Castle this morn, the deep, crisp and even has turned into a bumpy ice skating rink and I have to go dahn to Tesco for some stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food.

The Gallic flu has flared up and I have this urge to install a bidet... 

Despite the imminent ice-age, people dropping dead form lack of heat, austerity and patients popping orf in ’orspital the “Top story” on the Beeb news is that some Italian bloke who earns £6 million a year has resigned from his job as manager of something called The English football team over another bloke that allegedly made racial remarks about yet another overpaid diva.

So?

Meanwhile; according to the arse of Lords

Plans to get people to adopt healthier lifestyles will not work unless the government is more prepared to use legislation, peers believe.

The House of Lords science and technology committee said ministers seemed to be mistaken in their use of what is known as the nudge theory.

Nudging people is about getting them to change their behaviour without necessarily banning activities.

But the group said that did not mean legislation should not be used at all.

Committee chairman Baroness Neuberger said: "There are all manner of things that the government want us to do - lose weight, give up smoking, use the car less, give blood - but how can they get us to do them?

"It won't be easy and this inquiry has shown that it certainly won't be achieved through using nudges, or any other sort of intervention, in isolation."

 

Methinks big brother is about to stamp his feet...

“Scientist” have discovered that

Eating chocolate cake as part of a full breakfast can help you lose weight, new research says having dessert - along with the traditional fry up - burns off the pounds.

Morning is the best time to consume sweets because that's when the body's metabolism is most active - and we have the rest of the day to work off the calories, a new study shows.

Eating cookies or chocolate as part of breakfast that includes proteins and carbs also helps stem the craving for sweets later.

Amen to that...

  

East-ish to the land of big stone pointy things

Allegedly one of the spiritual leaders of Egypt issued a fatwa (law, regulations) which banned Muslims from driving Chevrolet vehicles. According to the new law, Muslims must not drive Chevrolet cars because the logo of the company is a Christian cross.

There are several theories about the origin of the Chevrolet "cross." One of them says that the designer of the logo was inspired with the pattern on the wallpaper of one of Paris hotels. Another one says that the author of the logo borrowed the idea from an American coal company. Some people say that the designer tried to make a logo that would look like a bow-tie.

Wouldn’t drive a Chevy anyway...

Left a lot to the dusty land

A cameraman has shot footage of what appears to be a giant serpentine creature weaving its way through the icy waters of Lake Lagarfljót in east Iceland.

While there have been several sightings of the Lagarfljótsormurinn or “Icelandic worm monster” in modern times, sceptics have suggested this latest iteration is probably just fishing net caught in the tide.

Legend has it that the Lagarfljótsormurinn started life as a tiny worm placed under a gold ring.

As a fully grown monster, it roamed the countryside, spitting poison and terrorising the local villagers.

While it was eventually thrown into the lake, it was never destroyed, and continues to bring bad luck to everyone it encounters.



Sounds a lot like the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition...

Left even more and down a fair way

British climbers Tom Randall, 32, and Pete Whittaker, 20, put themselves through two years training in a cellar to become the first to complete one of the toughest rock climbing challenges in the world.

The duo travelled to the Canyonlands National Park in Utah to take on a geological feature known as Century Crack – a 49m (160ft)-long gap between two huge rock formations to hang upside down.

The pair had already completed an arduous training programme using a replica of Century Crack built in Tom’s basement.

They completed 5,300m (17,500ft) of horizontal, upside-down climbing, 42,300 pull-ups and bicep curls, and almost 16 hours of static abdominal holds during their six-days-a-week regime.





Sounds a bit batty to me....

And finally:

Back in pheasant filled Blighty

A village postman has resorted to arming himself with stick to deter an aggressive pheasant who lives at the bottom of a resident's garden.

Villagers in Wootton, Staffordshire, are being terrorised by the bird, which regularly attempts to peck anyone who comes near.

Locals have now discovered the only way of pacifying the bird is to feed him raisins soaked in rum.

Not a pheasant plucker, but a.....

That’s it: I’m orf to wait for America and Eurasia to join up (I may be some time).

And today’s thought:

Angus

Gassing up#2: Chase me plod: 3p demo: Fly away in Bryansk: Happy Bull testicle day: Frozen sauerkraut: Too good to be true: and Win Sein Taw Ya.

Bloody freezing at the Castle this morn, his Maj has got so close to the radiator in the kitchen that he has become surgically attached and the butler is spending so long in the dungeon shoving fat drunk teenagers into the furnace that he is turning into a troglodyte.

Apparently wholesale gas prices touched a six-year high of £1 a therm yesterday.

Supply shortages and a huge surge in demand have pushed up prices while Brent crude hit a six-month high of $116.70 as Italy turned to burning oil to produce electricity.

Tensions with Iran also pushed up oil prices as the United States tightened sanctions by giving the banks new powers to freeze assets which are linked to the Persian Gulf state.

Problem is that there is too much information available too quickly nowadays.

Dahn in Sussex

An undercover police officer "chased himself round the streets" for 20 minutes after a CCTV operator mistook him for suspect.

The junior officer, who has not been named, was monitoring an area hit by a series of burglaries in an unnamed market town in the country’s south.

As the probationary officer from Sussex Police searched for suspects, the camera operator radioed that he had seen someone “acting suspiciously” in the area.

But he failed to realise that it was actually the plain-clothed officer he was watching on the screen, according to details leaked to an industry magazine.

The operator directed the officer, who was on foot patrol, as he followed the "suspect" on camera last month, telling his colleague on the ground that he was "hot on his heels".

They don’t call them woodentops for nothing...

East to the land of dodgy motors

Cheapskate motorists paid the price for a cheap parking spot in China - when they discovered it was next to a demolition site.

More than a dozen cars were badly damaged when bungling builders on the site used a demolition ball on the wall, sending it crashing down onto a row of cars in the 3p a day car park in Xianyang, Shaanxi province.

"I chose the parking spot because it was very cheap - and now I know why," said taxi driver Yu Lin, 48.

"I knew they were building something new next door but I didn't think they would be using such a massive crane to smash down such a tiny wall.

"I don't think my insurance will cover this," he added.

The building firm meanwhile defended its actions - saying the wall was unsafe and needed to be knocked down before it killed someone.

Ah-the old Elfandsafety excuse....

Left more than a whimsy

A military official in central Russia has sold an airfield for a bribe.

Andrei Usok, a procurement officer with the Defence Ministry, sold to an unspecified company some 4,000 slabs of concrete making up the landing strip of a military airfield in Bryansk region, prosecutors said on Tuesday.

Usok made 1 million roubles ($33,000) on the deal, but the damages, which rendered the airfield unusable, stood at 48 million roubles, the Prosecutor General’s Office reported on its website.

The officer is facing up to 12 years behind bars or a fine of between 70 million and 90 million roubles over the case. The investigation is ongoing.

Psst, wanna buy a cheap airfield....

Back in Bullsed up Blighty

Yet another “treat” for Valentine’s Day crawls out of the primeval ooze, the aptly named 'Cock and Bull Pie' from artisan ready meal firm Charlie Bigham’s contains only ingredients selected for their aphrodisiac and arousing qualities.

As such the £7.99 pie -- available exclusively from Ocado -- features ‘Mama Juana’ liquor and Ginseng alongside the bulls’ testicles.

The pie’s succulent steak pieces have been marinated in the ‘saucy’ ‘Mama Juana’ liquor, originally prepared by the native Taino Indians to get them in the mood for love.

The brand’s founder, Charlie Bigham, comments: "Having specialised in ‘twosome’ cuisine for over 15 years, we understand what it takes to bring partners closer together.

"After a busy day at work couples are often too tired to cook, which is why we have developed the romantic Valentine’s version of our popular pies, taking the stress out of cooking this Valentine’s.

"The Cock and Bull pie will give partners the opportunity to ditch the asparagus and oysters this year and create that perfect ‘twosomes’ moment with our one-off passion inducing pie."

Num, num...

Across to the land of the Frankfurter

Piles of sauerkraut tumbled out of a truck on a busy German motorway and quickly froze to the autobahn surface, causing a massive traffic jam near Frankfurt during Tuesday's morning rush hour, police said.

A truck carrying hundreds of packages of the famous German pickled cabbage delicacy crashed into another vehicle before dawn near the western town of Friedberg near Frankfurt and scattered its contents across the motorway.

With temperatures far below zero for the last week, the sauerkraut froze almost instantly and created impassable obstacles, causing traffic to back up for 10 km. The motorway was completely shut down for four hours while authorities struggled to scrape the frozen sauerkraut away.

Frankfurter and sauerkraut; num, num, num, num, num....

Back in cynical Blighty

Cash was offered by five women to commuters at busy bus stations up and down the UK but an average of only eight people at each station, out of thousands of bus travellers, took up the offer.

Women wearing a sandwich board that read "Ask me to pay your bus fare and I will" were positioned at bus stations in Newcastle, Medway, Manchester, Perth and Leicester, but were mostly just ignored.

The experiment ran during morning rush hour each day for a week and just 38 people in total across the country accepted the offer.

When questioned, the minority who did eventually accept the free cash admitted they were reluctant at first because they thought the offer was too good to be true.

Those who did accept were generally teenagers, suggesting that the older we get the more cynical of goodwill gestures we become.

Bollocks-if someone offered me free cash I’d snatch their arm orf...

And finally:

East again

Win Sein Taw Ya is the largest reclining Buddha in the world and at 30 meters high and 180 meters in length can be seen for miles.

Located opposite of the Buddhist shrine of Kyauktalon Taung, the reclining Buddha is filled with rooms that showcase dioramas of the teachings of Buddha and a shrine. When visiting the giant Buddha it should be remembered that despite the odd novelty of walking into a giant head, it is still a place of worship, and shoes should be removed before entering the shrine.

Wouldn’t work in Blighty everyone wears the same trainers....

That’s it: I’m orf to sort out the Zebra mussels in the moat.

And today’s thought:

Finally got it in Bernard

Angus