Tory tossers: Sodomised drivers: PGI bangers: Private speed cameras Dahn Unda: Flock orf Madrid: and a Blonde moment.

Lack of warm, less solar stuff, oodles of atmospheric movement and nary a drop of skywater at the Castle this morn, just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, they have “improved” the fruit and veg sections, mainly by moving everything about and increasing the prices.

 

According to the Free Enterprise Group of Conservatives

 Too many on middle-range incomes are being dragged into the 40 per cent tax rate, and the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition should respond by increasing the rate at which the higher rate begins, and linking the threshold to earnings. That could take more than a million people out of higher-rate tax.

Kwasi Kwarteng, the MP for Spelthorne, and Priti Patel, the member for Witham, are worried that the tax system discourages enterprise and hurts the party’s appeal to middle-income workers.

Their report, ‘Motivating the Middle’, comes as Tory strategists debate how best to present the party as on the side of people who want to improve their lot in life.  

Another couple of Tosspots with their heads up each other’s arse...

 

And to make our lives even better

The rest of the fuckwits infesting the left hand side of the bit next to the leaning tower of Westminster are considering a new “two-tier” road tax system as part of a Government review of transport funding, it emerged yesterday.

The scheme would see drivers who only drive locally and stay off major roads paying a lower rate of Vehicle Excise Duty than those who use motorways.

Ministers are reviewing the future of VED as the sums it raises for the Treasury fall. The tax is related to the engine emissions of cars, and the move towards smaller, greener cars is reducing tax revenues.

The two-tier tax system is understood to be one of several options that have been considered as part of that review. Insiders insisted that no decisions had been taken and that ministers remained unconvinced by the proposal.

 

And just to screw motorists even more

If son of a B.....aronet George (alien reptile in disguise) Osborne hikes up the cost of go-juice by another 3pees per pint and a bit it would cost the economy at least £1 billion - substantially more than the £800 million in tax it would bring in.

Robert Halfon, the MP for Harlow and petrol campaigner, believes the rise due for January next year will cost families £60 a year in petrol costs alone.

But it will also inflict wider, damaging effects on the whole economy, according to the new report from the National Institute of Economic and Social Research (NIESR).

The NIESR economists found there would be a drop in household spending, leading to lower national income and around 35,000 job losses.

The cost to the economy could reach as much as £2 billion and cause 50,000 job losses, if the additional pressure on inflation causes the Bank of England to raise interest rates.

 

No scare mongering there then...

 

And regarding the second worst thing to visiting the dentist

The MoT rules have changed for 2012, with the Department for Transport adding in new tests and standards to reflect more modern cars.

From 1 January 2012, new technologies such as Electronic Stability Control are being tested, rules on lighting have been updated to reflect new features, and even tests to check exhausts have been brought up to date.

The new MoT rules also help the UK meet new European legislation that’s aimed at standardising vehicle testing rules across the EU.

To help motorists get up to speed with the new rules, the first three months of 2012 will see new failure points marked as advisories only. After this, however, any compliance issues with the new test rules will result in a failure.

 

Click on the link over the pic to see them all...

 

Allegedly the EU has decided that Newmarket sausages should be protected

 

Sausages made in Suffolk have been granted a special status which puts them alongside the likes of Parma Ham, Champagne and Melton Mowbray pork pies.

Newmarket Sausages have become the 50th British food product to be awarded the Protected Geographical Indication (PGI) from the European Commission.

It means only local companies can call their produce Newmarket sausages.

Grant Powter, from Powters Sausages, said it would protect the "reputation and quality" of the sausages.

 

Worth every penny of the tens of billions we pour into what is left of the bits over the channel.

 

Dahn Unda

Queensland’s peak motoring body has condemned moves to outsource speed camera operations as a "shameless grab for cash at the expense of driver safety".

The Courier-Mail revealed extra speed cameras would be rolled out across Queensland and operated by civilians instead of police in State Government changes aimed at cutting costs and boosting revenue.

RACQ Executive General Manager Advocacy Paul Turner said the State Government had lost sight of the purpose of the cameras.

"The Queensland Police manage speed cameras as a way to improve road safety and outsourcing their operation to a private company can only mean that profit is the number one priority,'' Mr Turner said.

 

It seems that ripping orf drivers is a world-wide phenonmen, phinominum......thing...

 

Back in the Costa dear part of Europe

Spanish shepherds led a flock of more than 2,000 sheep through central Madrid on Sunday in defence of ancient grazing, migration and droving rights threatened by urban sprawl and modern agricultural practices.

The right to use droving routes that wind across land that was open fields and woodland before Madrid grew from a rural hamlet to the great metropolis it is today has existed since at least 1273.

Every year, a handful of shepherds defend the right and, following an age-old tradition, on Sunday paid 25 maravedis - coins first minted in the 11th century - to city hall to use the crossing.

Shepherds have a right to use 78,000 miles (125,000 kilometres) of paths for seasonal livestock migrations from cool highland pastures in summer to warmer and more protected lowland grazing in winter.

The movement is called transhumance and in Spain up until recently involved close to a million animals a year, mostly sheep and cattle.

Not quite so baamy then...

 And finally: 

 

A pic to wind up those who are not of the brunette or redheaded variety

 

That’s it: I’m orf to check out the microscopic

 

And today’s thought:

Highway Code

 

 

Angus

IF: ‘Constraints on the Universe as a Numerical Simulation’: A slice of the web: BIG scarecrow: and how to kill a pumpkin.

A strange bright yellow thing beyond the blue bit in the sky at the Castle this morn, loads of lack of warm, little ex skywater and lavish amounts of atmospheric movement, the butler is stuffing fat, carbon neutral teenagers into the furnace at more than a rate of knots and the interweb thingy has caught a cold and keeps fading in and out, hence the late start.

Whilst dahn at the snotty, vomiting brat infested general medic’s surgery I had my flu jab and yes (I don’t care what “science” says) I have a temperature, aching limbs, a cough and the sneezes.

 

Old fart Ken Clarke

Has finally tipped over the divide between “normality” and politics, reckoning that his “new” post as monster without portfolio will give him the chance to “roam Whitehall, bestowing upon his younger colleagues “the benefits of my wisdom on a much wider range of subjects”, as “an elder statesman … I’m able to advise, put my oar in and contribute to a whole lot of policymaking, particularly the economy, particularly trade, particularly national security”.

And reckons that “If the economy comes right, we’ll sail home”.

 

And if we had some ham we could have ham and eggs-if we had some eggs....

 

Staying on the ‘alternative reality’ theme

 

 

According to physicists the universe may be a computer simulation, and to prove it they made a computer simulation of the universe and it looks sort of like us.

A long-proposed thought experiment, put forward by both philosophers and popular culture, points out that any civilisation of sufficient size and intelligence would eventually create a simulation universe if such a thing were possible.

And since there would therefore be many more simulations (within simulations, within simulations) than real universes, it is therefore more likely than not that our world is artificial.

Now a team of researchers at the University of Bonn in Germany led by Silas Beane say they have evidence this may be true.

In a paper named ‘Constraints on the Universe as a Numerical Simulation’, they point out that current simulations of the universe – which do exist, but which are extremely weak and small – naturally put limits on physical laws.

For instance, something known as the Greisen-Zatsepin-Kuzmin, or GZK cut off, is an apparent boundary of the energy that cosmic ray particles can have. This is caused by interaction with cosmic background radiation. But Beane and co’s paper argues that the pattern of this rule mirrors what you might expect from a computer simulation.

 

In that case...can we have a reboot please? Must be something to do with penguins being black and white TVs...

 

Want a bit of the interweb thingy?

 

Your wish could be fulfilled, just go to the Wayback Machine who are offering  about 80 terabytes of WARC files containing captures of about 2.7 billion URIs. The files contain text content and any media that we were able to capture, including images, flash, videos, etc.and ask nicely.

You could get:

Crawl start date: 09 March, 2011

Crawl end date: 23 December, 2011

Number of captures: 2,713,676,341

Number of unique URLs: 2,273,840,159

Number of hosts: 29,032,069

If you would like access to this set of crawl data, please contact Wayback Machine at info at archive dot org and let us know who you are and what you’re hoping to do with it. They may not be able to say “yes” to all requests, since they are just figuring out whether this is a good idea, but everyone will be considered.

 

Or; you could just get a life....

 

With Halloween just around the corner

 

And the prospect of gangs of badly dressed snotty nosed begging brats about to descend on unsuspecting householders, you might like to invest in one of these...

Or better still some boiling oil, a baseball bat and a Taser.

 

And finally:

 

Staying with the last night of October

 

Over in the backwoods of one of the United States someone called Hickok45 shows us how to kill a pumpkin.

 

You could add a bit of C4 to the list above...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to crack proto-Elamite writing system

 

And today’s thought:

Are we in Paris yet?

 

 

Angus

Cloggy Cleggy: Where’s your mobile?: But I don’t have a wooden car: Fore! Shark!: Mountie and the Moose: and a pussy nest.

Enormous amounts of lack of warm, not a whimsy of solar stuff, just as much atmospheric movement and oodles of ex skywater at the Castle this morn; spent yesterday clamped to the toilet with my head in a bucket (or was it the other way round? The old memory isn’t what it was), my own fault I entered the dreaded doctors surgery without my bio-suit, wellies and disposable gloves and staggered through the heaving piles of snotty nosed, vomiting brats to get my anti falling dahn and laying in vomit pills, but the good news is that my rear exit has cooled dahn to red hot and the world has stopped spinning.

 

And talking of rear ends

What’s his name, who apparently speaks five languages fluently, chose to conduct a recent meeting at the Cabinet Office with Herman Van Rompuy, the European Council president, entirely in Dutch.

“Nick enjoys being able to talk Dutch,” the Liberal Democrat leader's spokesman tells Mandrake. “Similarly, when he meets leaders from France or Latin America, he’ll speak French and Spanish. It’s very much appreciated when he goes.

"Usually at these meetings, there’ll be an aide who can speak Dutch, too, but [this time] I don’t think there was a No 10 aide there at all.”  

Cloggy Cleggy’s mother is allegedly from the land of wacky baccy, which does explain a lot...

 

British website mobileinsurance has listed some of the most far-fetched claims it has received in the last 12 months

 

And here are the top seven or eight or nine or so.

One woman lost her Nokia when she baked it into a Victoria sponge cake intended for her daughter’s birthday party.

A couple on a cruise tried to photograph themselves re-enacting the 'I'm the king of the world' scene from the movie Titanic, but lost their phone over the side.

A Bristol woman in her twenties shamelessly told insurers that she'd worn out the vibrate function on her BlackBerry Bold 9900 by using it as an "adult toy".

One Liverpool girl in her twenties found out her boyfriend had been cheating on her and threw her HTC Desire X at him, but it hit the wall.

Another complained that her Samsung Galaxy was snatched by a rogue seagull while she was walking her dog on Barry Island in South Wales.

A construction worker put in a claim for a phone that he said he had dropped down the toilet.

A pyrotechnician suffered another workplace accident while putting on a show at the National Fireworks Championships in Plymouth. It was only as the smoke cleared that he realised he'd left his iPhone 3GS in the 'blast zone'.

A man who told his insurance company his iPhone had been stolen by monkeys at a Safari Park. He was trying to film the animals at the time.

Meanwhile a tight arsed fan wanted to go to a Blur concert in Hyde Park without paying for a ticket. He ended up dropping his new iPhone whilst trying to film it from a tree.

And:

A farmer claims to have lost his iPhone up the rear end of a cow while using it as a torch during calving.

Only the pyrotechnician and the Blur fan had their claims rejected by the company.


Now where did I put it?

 

East to the land of.....stuff

Featuring a body made exclusively from high-quality wood and decorated with intricate carvings, the Achilles has been turning heads on the streets of Ho Chi Minh City.

The one-of-a-kind vehicle was created by Le Nguyen Khang, owner of Binh Duong-based wood processing firm Le Lumber. He told reporters the idea of building a wooden car started off as a joke, while he was talking to an English friend who works in the travel business. One day, he jokingly asked Khang, “Working in the wood processing industry, can you make me a wooden car?”

So he did; the sketch for his unusual automobile was completed in April of 2011, and with the help of 11 of his best employees, he worked on it for 16 months. The Achilles was finally completed last month, and as soon as he started driving it around the city, people assaulted him with all kinds of questions and requests to have their pictures taken with it.

The entire body of the 4.6m-long and 1.8m-wide vehicle is made from imported wood like xylia xylocarpa, ash, and walnut, His company logo is carved on the front of the car, on the background of a dragon, while the two front sides are covered with the patterns of a dragon, unicorn, turtle, and phoenix, the four traditional sacred animals which represent power, beauty, and nobility.

Hope he has third party, fire and woodworm insurance…

 

Left to the land of a waste of a walk

 

A worker at San Juan Hills Golf Club found a 2lb leopard shark on the 12^th tee and put it into fresh water... before a colleague remembered it's a sea creature and mixed some salt into his water.

The shark had puncture wounds where it appeared a bird had snagged it from the Pacific Ocean, about five miles away.

A golf club employee rushed the shark to the ocean where it was very still for a few seconds before twisting around and speeding off.

 

That could ruin your stroke…

 

Up a bit to the place where her Maj still rules

 

An officer with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police was injured early on Thursday after being charged by a bull moose while driving on patrol in central British Columbia.

The officer was driving toward two moose at an intersection in the small community of Prince Rupert in an attempt to head off another vehicle approaching the same junction.

As the officer neared the animals, a bull moose charged his vehicle, breaking the front bumper as it jumped on the roof of the car. The moose began stomping and kicking, and a hoof broke the driver's side window, injuring the officer.

The moose then jumped on the trunk of the car and finally back on the road.

The officer suffered bruising on his left shoulder, but did not require medical attention. He finished his shift and went home to rest, the police said.

 I imagine the insurance claim read- I was proceeding in a westerly direction when a moose jumped out and jumped onto the car, it then jumped onto the roof, jumped up and down kicking in the side window, jumped off and ran away:-nah they’ll never believe that Sarge….

 

And finally:

 

Where do you keep your pussy?

 

Monsieur Louis Coulon, born in 1827 was the owner of a 3.3-meter-long beard, and the progenitor of the "Hirsute Kitten Cathedral Look."

Kept his little pussy in his facial fuzz.

 

That’s it: I’m orf to do a bit of alchemy

 

And today’s thought:

What do you mean it’s on vibrate?

 

 

Angus

Old fart’s fault: Henry’s party tips: Warm bike: Paranormal Madagascar: We’re all Doomed: and up and dahn in Paris.

Dark, damp, dubious and dodgy at the Castle this morn, taken the last of my anti falling dahn and laying in vomit pills, orf to see my general medic at 8.30 0f the am for a refill.

 

According to “expert economists” infesting the Bonk Of Blighty

Old farts are to blame for everything, at a hearing in the House of Lords, “experts” from a London University and the Bank of England said that politicians will have made “winners” of older people and “losers” of younger people.

They said a combination of high house prices, rising government debt, unemployment and more expensive education mean young people are getting a raw deal compared with their parents and grand-parents.

“Current young people will be contributors to the public purse, whereas older generations haven’t,” said Professor James Sefton, an academic at Imperial College.

Said Prof reckons that those who are not old farts “should be angry and thinks the deal they are getting is poor,” he said. “There are a lot of transfers going on in the system that are from the young towards the old. The awareness of it is very poor but it will come out.”

And Dr Martin Weale, a member of the Bank of England’s monetary policy committee, said Britain will need to save more money in the medium-term to pay for the rising cost of the NHS and pensions, as people live longer and get more demanding.

Lord Bichard, a former senior Whitehall official, said older people should be less of a "negative burden on society" and face penalties like losing benefits if they do not “contribute”.

The ex-permanent secretary in the Department of Education and former chief of the Benefits Agency, said the elderly should get rewards and fines to make sure they are taking a more active part in their communities.

“Older people who are not very old could be making a very useful contribution to civil society if they were given some incentive or recognition for doing so.

“We’re prepared to say to people if you’re not looking for work, you don’t get a benefit. If you’re old and you’re not contributing in some way, maybe there should be some penalty attached to that. These debates never seem to take place.

 

On behalf of all old farts I would to say sorry to all those not of old fart status; sorry for working my nuts orf for fucking decades paying for your education and health service, sorry for paying 33% income fucking tax, sorry for paying 12 fucking percent mortgage rates, sorry for bringing you up so that you can live in our homes until you are forty fucking years old before you get orf your arses and find somewhere to live, sorry for feeding you, clothing you, keeping you safe and taxi-ing you around for fucking years, sorry for expecting you to do the decent thing and look after the elderly who actually know what poverty really is, sorry you voted in the fuckwits that have lied over Uni fees and sorry for living so fucking long.

 

East to the land of Afghans

Allegedly the Prince of 'take em from behind' and danglers has been entertaining Army pals in Afghanistan by reading out extracts from Pippa Middleton’s new book on throwing parties containing how to play skittles with a pumpkin at Halloween and recipes for Bonfire Night by Pippa. 29.

Pippa’s book — out on Thursday priced £25 — is subtitled A Year Of British Festivities For Family And Friends. She is believed to have signed a £400,000 deal for her ideas, based on experiences working at her parents’ online firm Party Pieces.

Interesting; I didn’t know Harry could read, it is rumoured that he has ‘A’ levels in art and geography which does make him qualified to colour in maps....

 

Back over to the land of wacky baccy and water

Towns in the Netherlands are considering a proposal to heat cycle lanes to encourage greater use of bicycles in winter.

The town of Zutphen in the east of the country is awaiting the result of a preliminary assessment before it embarks on a feasibility study next year.

The province of Utrecht is also considering the scheme.

The Netherlands has an estimated 18m bicycles for a population of less than 17m. There is more than 35,000km of cycle paths in the country.

The scheme proposes to use geo-thermal energy to prevent ice forming.

The idea has been provisionally costed at 20-40,000 Euros per kilometre (£26-52,000 per mile).

But the man behind the proposal, Marcel Boerefijn, said there would be savings from fewer accidents, less salt needed to grit roads and reduced car expenses.

Mr Boerefijn said it was possible that the final net cost would be less than putting straw down on the paths.

Arien de Jong, a spokeswoman for the Dutch Cyclists Unions said: "We are very excited about the heated paths, because they could prevent so much misery. If cycle lanes are frozen over for four weeks, that results in about 7,000 more accidents involving cyclists.

 

I’m exited too-not...

 

Back in horrific Blighty

Petrified children fled a cinema in tears after bungling staff screened a horror movie instead of a family cartoon.

Dozens of excited youngsters ate popcorn with their parents as they waited for fun film Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted to start.

But their joy soon turned into utter horror when a dopey projectionist accidentally played chilling movie, Paranormal Activity 4.

The film opened with a flashback to the first Paranormal Activity – featuring a woman’s bloodied corpse being hurled at the big screen.

Natasha Lewis, who took her eight-year-old son Dylan Lewis-Gray to last Saturday’s 10am screening, slammed cinema bosses for the mistake.

The 32-year-old, from Bulwell, Notts, said: “I’m disgusted about it. I thought something didn’t look right when the film started.

"It was only about two minutes worth of the film but it was enough to scar the ­children for life.

“It’s a terrifying scene where a body shoots towards the camera. It’s enough to make grown men jump – imagine the terror for these kids.”

Around 25 families scrambled for the exit of the Cineworld theatre in Nottingham when they realised the movie was not Madagascar 3.

Natasha added: “All you could hear were children crying and screaming. Everyone was upset.

“I’ve watched a few horror films in my time – Paranormal Activity ones are the scariest since The Exorcist.

“Dylan doesn’t want to set foot in the cinema again.”

 

That’ll save on days out then.....

 

And according to “experts” we are all doomed

Apparently if we don't solve the problem of Fukushima reactor No. 4, which is on the verge of a catastrophic failure that could unleash enough radiation to end human civilization on our planet.

The resulting releasing of radiation would turn North America into a "dead zone" for humans... mutated (and failed) crops, radioactive groundwater, skyrocketing infant mortality, an explosion in cancer and infertility... this is what could be unleashed at any moment from an earthquake in Japan. Such an event could result in the release of 85 times the Cesium-137 released by the Chernobyl catastrophe, say experts (see below). And the Chernobyl catastrophe made its surrounding regions uninhabitable by humans for centuries.

"It is no exaggeration to say that the fate of Japan and the whole world depends on No.4 reactor." - Mitsuhei Murata, Former Japanese Ambassador to Switzerland and Senegal, Executive Director, the Japan Society for Global System and Ethics

Here's how this could happen, according to Mr. Robert Alvarez, former Senior Policy Adviser to the Secretary and Deputy Assistant Secretary for National Security and the Environment at the U.S. Department of Energy:

"The No. 4 pool is about 100 feet above ground, is structurally damaged and is exposed to the open elements. If an earthquake or other event were to cause this pool to drain this could result in a catastrophic radiological fire involving nearly 10 times the amount of Cs-137 released by the Chernobyl accident. The infrastructure to safely remove this material was destroyed as it was at the other three reactors. Spent reactor fuel cannot be simply lifted into the air by a crane as if it were routine cargo. In order to prevent severe radiation exposures, fires and possible explosions, it must be transferred at all times in water and heavily shielded structures into dry casks. As this has never been done before, the removal of the spent fuel from the pools at the damaged Fukushima-Dai-Ichi reactors will require a major and time-consuming re-construction effort and will be charting in unknown waters." (http://www.nuc.berkeley.edu/forum/218/nuclear-expert-fukushima-spent-...)

Note: He says "10 times" the Cesium-137 of Chernobyl. Others say up to 85 times. Nobody is 100% certain of what would actually occur because this has never happened before. We are in uncharted territory as a civilization, facing a unique and imminent threat to our continued survival. And both governments and the corporations that assured us nuclear power was safe are playing their "cover my ass" games while the world waits in the crosshairs of a nuclear apocalypse.


Spiffing... I’m more worried about paying the gas bill.....

 

And finally:

 

Over the wet thing below the Sarf coast

 

Architects have created an interesting design for a possible new bridge in Paris … it consists of three inflatable doughnut trampolines.
The bizarre design was created as a response to an ideas competition for a new bridge in Pari - which will add to the 37 bridges which already cross the Seine.

A spokesperson for design firm Atelier Zündel Cristea said: "It appears to us that Paris has the bridges and passages necessary for the flow of vehicular and pedestrian traffic across its waterways.

"Our intention is to invite its visitors and inhabitants to engage on a newer and more playful path across this same water. We propose, now, a distinctive urban feature: an inflatable bridge equipped with giant trampolines, dedicated to the joyful release from gravity as one bounces above the river.

 

Elfandsafety nightmare...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to cancel my holiday to California

 

And today’s thought:

 

 

Angus

Falling down and laying in vomit thingy

No proper post this day, I have the above and am nearly out of anti-the above pills, so I have to save the last two for the morn begore I see my general medic for a refill.

But here is a nice pice of music to keep you going.

Back tomorrow..

Angus

Ask a silly question: Pippa’s party plan: Walk of hard times: Dahn Unda whitewash: Stoned in Rome: and the one armed chainsaw artist.

Seasons of mist and bugger all else at the Castle this morn, the wevver is like U-Turn Cam-thick, wet and cold.

Just returned from the Monday moan dahn Tesco and I can’t believe that “I can’t believe it’s not butter” has gorn up from one squid to one squid and 30 pees to one squid and 80 pisses (which they are taking).

 

And his Maj has been practising his hunting...

 

 

Apparently Labour MP Gloria de Piero has asked the ultimate political question

 

And members of a Yorkshire golf club gave her more than several answers.

The question was-"When I say the word 'politician', what do you think?" 

Answers included “Liars, Selfish, Insincere and Self-seeking”. 

And to prove that Gloria isn’t self-seeking and selfish she decided to ask the same question on Twitter using the hashtag #whydoyouhateme. The Tweets are “interesting”.

 

Here are a few more “impressions” of Politicians: 

Arrogant, inept, out of touch, posh pillocks, tosspots, wankers, overpaid, underworked, unelected, useless, waste of air, clueless, greedy and bumholes...

The above are of course purely my personal interpretation of those who want to prostitute themselves to “public service” and I would like to point out that no first class rail passengers were harmed in the production of this item.

 

Having said that, looking at Gloria’s picture-I would.....

 

And the arse of the year has “written” a book

Pippa Middleton (under 30-just), has admitted that she is still coming to terms with her celebrity – and the focus on her figure – that followed the marriage of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge last year.

In a new book, she writes: “It is a bit startling to achieve global recognition (if that’s the right word) before the age of 30, on account of your sister, your brother-in-law and your bottom.

“One day, I might be able to make sense of this.

"In the meantime I think it's fair to say that it has its upside and its downside. I certainly have opportunities many can only dream of – but in most ways I'm a typical girl in her 20s trying to forge a career and represent herself in what can sometimes seem rather strange circumstances."

Miss Middleton makes her comments in Celebrate: A Year of British Festivities for Families and Friends, a party-planning guide based on her experience with her family’s business, Party Pieces.

It was reported that the deal for the book, with publisher Michael Joseph, was worth £400,000. It includes seasonal recipes, as well recollections of her childhood, including Bonfire Night and playing conkers.

"We all used to get really competitive," she writes.

"The trick was to paint clear nail varnish on the conkers to make them very tough and less likely to break – outrageous cheating of course!"

 Ah; the life of a “celeb”....

Norf of the border

A company is offering a tour of the network of ­brothels used by prostitutes plying their trade in 18th century Edinburgh.

The night time tour for over-18s is based on a long-forgotten book, Ranger’s Impartial List Of  Ladies Of Pleasure, published in 1775, which offers a candid appraisal of 50 of the city’s prostitutes and helpful notes on where to find them.

Information includes the women’s names, ages, the condition of their teeth and their temperament.

Now an actress, posing as Miss Watt, a prostitute described in the book as being of middle size, with light brown hair and good teeth but rather surly tempered, has put together a one-hour walking tour featuring some of the 117 brothels that operated along the Royal Mile.

They include the Old Town’s most popular house of ill-repute, in Barry’s Close, which attracted clients from the nearby court and law offices who could slip in unnoticed through an entrance at the foot of a flight of stairs off ­Parliament Square.

 

 A snippet:

This Lady is about 21 years of age, of the middle ƒize, light brown hair, good teeth, but rather ƒurly in her temper eƒpecially after the glaƒs has gone merrily round; notwithƒtanding of this, ƒhe is not a bad companion, as ƒhe can ƒing many very fine ƒongs. She is alƒo miƒtreƒs of her profeƒƒion; and it is ƒaid, before ƒhe would ƒleep alone, ƒhe would rather pay a clever fellow for to do her buƒineƒs, as love is her ƒole delight.

 

Well “f” me, wonder if I will need a passport to go on the tour before long?

 

Dahn Unda

A street artist's attempt to bring colour to a back lane in the CBD is in a bit of bovver, the wall off Banks Place Geelong had originally been painted by Joel Macartney about six months ago, but had been tagged and vandalised earlier this month.

Last weekend Macartney and some friends painted three fresh panels of similar-styled street art. On Wednesday this was painted over by a council contractor, leaving a blank wall.

 

City CEO Stephen Griffin said some street art had been removed from part of Banks Place this week after unauthorised graffiti on top of earlier artwork.

He said a noted local street artist had carried out the initial artwork about six months ago, with permission from council and the owner of the property.

Mr Griffin said that in recent weeks there had been unauthorised and extended artwork applied on top of the original design, and this had been removed by council contractors after they checked the status of the alterations and extensions.

He said the council had been involved in further discussions with the artist over the past few days, and there was a possibility the artist would be undertaking some new work.

 

Think I prefer the blank wall....

 

Over to the land of love and Latin

Allegedly a study of psychotropic drug levels in ambient air from eight Italian cities found background levels of cocaine, cannabinoids - the active ingredients in marijuana - nicotine and caffeine in every urban centre.

Turin had the highest concentrations of cocaine, says Angelo Cecinato at the Institute of Atmospheric Pollution Research in Rome. Meanwhile, Bologna and Florence had some of the highest cannabinoid levels, which Cecinato attributes to the large student populations in the two cities. The drug concentrations are much too low to have an effect, though (Environmental Pollution, doi.org/jhk).

 

And there was me thinking Italian drivers were naturally bonkers.....

 

And finally:

 

Left a lot to the place where George came from

 

When it comes to chainsaw carving, one Belfair man is a cut above the rest.

He uses all tools of the trade to create masterpieces, but some say it's what he's working without that makes his carvings truly remarkable.

He does it all with one arm.

"I saw what he was doing, and I thought people have got to see this," says one neighbour.

"It takes a lot of drive," says another. "He just wrestles these pieces around like they're nothing."

It's been said the purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our soul. And when Jerry Tallman is at work, that dust is flying high. Six hours a day, six days a week, he's at his Belfair shop, where his steel-toothed chainsaw carves each contour.

"You can shape that grain any way you want," he says.

Jerry will be the first to tell you it's a demanding job - working the wood with one arm missing.

He shrugs through exhaustion because he loves his work - even if he doesn't have all his tools intact.

"I can still feel my arm," he says. "I can open and close my hand - just it's not there."

And before you ask; no he didn’t cut his arm orf with a chainsaw, he was hit by a tree on his shoulder while “logging”, and I was on the ground. Just that quick." he recalls.

The nerves were pulled from his spine. Doctors left his arm there for five years before amputating. Then it was back to square one.

 

Bit of an ‘armless hobby though....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to find out who EBay’s accountants are

 

And today’s thought:

 

 

Angus

 

Them: And Us: Exploding Ketchup: Conker crash: Burning in the sun: and The Gates of Hell

Not a lot of solar stuff, even less lack of cold, not a whimsy of atmospheric movement and nary a drop of skywater at the Castle this morn.

Didn’t manage to find a place that had shops, free parking and covered walkways yesterday, so I settled for a bit of a drive and a pub lunch.

 

Them.

“They” are up to all sorts

The ex chief lash has finally got the hint and buggered orf to pastures new without admitting whether he said the ‘Pleb or moron’ word.

 

About bloody time... 

 

Alien reptile in disguise son of a B......aronet George (why should I travel with the moronic plebs) Osborne has had to cough up 160 squids when he tried to steal a first class seat from Virgin (where’s my franchise) chuff-chuff  between Wilmslow and the Smoke with a few of his ‘mates’. 

He will of course claim the cost of the ticket on his expenses and we will pay for it.

 

And U-Turn Cam is not talking  after avoiding questions for the fifth consecutive day about a cache of private emails between him and Rebekah Brooks.

He sidestepped five parliamentary questions over electronic communications with Ms Brooks, the former News International chief executive, that were not released to the Leveson Inquiry into media standards.

The Prime Minister also refused to release any further information in reply to a letter on the same subject from Harriet Harman, the deputy Labour leader.

 Nice to see that “open” Government thingy is working so well...

 

Us.

 

Up in the Smoke

Tens of thousands of ‘plebs and morons’ are expected to march through London in protest against the government's austerity measures.

Labour leader clone B is among dozens of speakers due to address crowds in Hyde Park - where the march ends.

Demonstrators want the coalition to end public service cuts and instead create policies they say can create growth.

 

Won’t make any difference because “they” are not listening and never will...

 

Left more than a train ride

 

Counterfeit ketchup collaborators are being a bit saucy by buying bulk quantities of traditional Heinz ketchup, transferring the condiment via large bladders into individual containers labelled "Simply Heinz," one of the company's premium recipes, then shunt the result off to unwitting consumers at a cushy mark-up.

Unfortunately the non top knob red stuff has got its revenge by making the fake bottles explode, probably due to carb-hungry microbes that moved in during the transfer and started building pressure inside a bottle as they convert their feast into gas.

 

Doesn’t bother me I can’t afford Heinz, I have to make do with Tesco.

 

Norf of the border

Apparently organisers of the Scottish Conker Championships have had to call off this year’s event at the last minute - due to a shortage of conkers.

Efforts to find an emergency supply of conkers for the event at Peebles, in the Borders, on Saturday drew a blank.

The Borders Forest Trust, which has organised the event for the last five years, said the move was unavoidable due to the bad weather over the last few months.

Spokeswoman Louisa Finch said: “The first championships were a real success, so we are saddened that the event won’t be happening this year.

“Many horse chestnut trees are bare this year or only have very small conkers which wouldn’t have fared well in competition.

 

Maybe they could use frozen sprouts instead....

 

Back in the home of aerosols and the land of naked flames

The maker of Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling some half-million bottles of spray-on lotion after reports that a handful of people have caught on fire after applying the product and coming in contact with an open flame.

Energizer Holdings said Friday that it is pulling 23 varieties of UltraMist sunscreen off store shelves due to the risk of the lotion igniting when exposed to fire.

The recall includes aerosol products like UltraMist Sport, UltraMist Ultra Defense and UltraMist Kids.

A company spokesman said there have been five reports of people suffering burns after using the sunscreen in the last year. Four burn cases were reported in the U.S. and one in Canada.

More than 20 million units have been sold since UltraMist launched in 2010, the spokesman said.

The problem appears to be caused by UltraMist’s spray valve, which is over applying the product, Energizer said in a statement. As a result the lotion is taking longer to dry, which raises the flammability risk.

“If a consumer comes into contact with a flame or spark prior to complete drying of the product on the skin, there is a potential for the product to ignite,” the company said.

 

So no smoking or cooking, or barbeques, or.....

 

And finally:

 

Right to one of the “Stans”

 

In the Karakum desert in Turkmenistan, near the 350 person village of Derweze, is a hole 328 feet wide that has been on fire. For 38 years it has constantly been active. This hole is known as the Darvaza Gas Crater or the "Gates of Hells" by locals, the crater can be seen glowing for miles around.

The hole is the outcome not of nature but of an industrial accident. In 1971 a Soviet drilling rig accidentally punched into a massive underground natural gas cavern, causing the ground to collapse and the entire drilling rig to fall in. Having punctured a pocket of gas, poisonous fumes began leaking from the hole at an alarming rate. To head off a potential environmental catastrophe, the Soviets set the hole alight. The crater hasn't stopped burning since.  

Looks like my rear exit after a curry....

 

That’s I’m orf to sniff a teenager

 

And today’s thought:

Second class travel

 

 

Angus